Red part 10

10: Tell me everything

“Are you alright?” he asked me, handing me a cup of coffee.

After a crisis, that could only be described as very painful to watch, James had managed to calm me down and had convinced me to get a drink somewhere quiet.

“I guess. Oh, I don’t know.” I sighed, taking a sip of what I specifically asked to be extra strong dark coffee with loads of sugar in it. To a normal person, it would taste like poison. To me, it was ecstasy.

“Do you fancy talking about it? Promise I won’t judge.”

“Do you also promise not to freak out? Because, to be honest, it’s quite much.”

“Alice, I’ve been through so much in my own life. Nothing phases me anymore. Go ahead, try me.”

I took a deep sigh and another sip of my coffee.

“We had a special relationship, Iddo and me. One that was secret for our families.”

“And what was this special relationship like?”

“Well… Iddo was my dominant. We had a very intense BDSM relationship.”

I quickly looked at him to gauge his reaction. Surprisingly, he didn’t flinch at all. He noticed my surprise and smiled.

“It’s ok, go on.” he said, touching my arm, for no reason. It felt quite reassuring. “Tell me everything.”

“I should track back to the very beginning.”

“Fair enough. We’ve got plenty of time. Start from the beginning.”

“Well. I came into my sexuality very late. Twenty-four, twenty-five, that sort of age. One day, on a whim, I registered on a forum. I expressed my curiosity in all things sexual and said that I was very eager to learn. I got loads of replies, but one stood out. That was Alex’s reply. You remember Alex. The drunk blonde in the club.”

I paused and sipped coffee.

“So, is she the one that introduced you to BDSM?” he asked me.

“Yep. She had been a switch for years. At that time, she had a sub, but I don’t remember what happened to him. She suggested we should meet up, and talk shop. We clicked from the get-go. She took me to my first munch, which is a low pressure social gathering for people who are involved or interested in BDSM. That’s where she introduced me to this man, this very strapping man with wispy brown hair and geek glasses.”

“I’m guessing that was Iddo?”

“That was him. He took me aside and reassured me. Told me that I needen’t worry. Everyone has to take their first steps. And then he added that he hated the expression “taking steps”, which, yeah, me too, so we got along instantly. After a few chats, he asked me if I was interested in playing around a bit. So, over the next few months, we had fun experimenting with our switch side. He told me I had a knack for dominance and that it had made him fall in love with me. But I preferred the sub side, so he became my dominant.”

“How does that feel, being sexually dominated? I’ve always wondered.”

“Are you interested in the lifestyle?”

“Ehm… I wouldn’t say interested. Curious, more like.”

“Well, it’s… I actually have no word to describe it, other than really cool. He was more of a sensual dominant at the start, so that meshed with what I liked. Then, things got a bit kinkier, with the bondage and the handcuffs. Liked that too. I liked a lot of it. It went very well between us, and he proposed, and I accepted it. But after we got engaged… he got into the extreme stuff. Breathplay was the most extreme of it all. He wanted me to dominate him and “choke” him. One night, I point blank refused him and after a very big row, he called off the engagement.”

“Shit.” was all James could say. “That’s really crappy of him.”

“I know. A week later, he called me. He wanted to meet up and make up. He told me to come to his house. Fair enough. But when I came to his house, it was clear from the start what he wanted. He was sat on the chair in the middle of the room. He told me to come to him and choke him while he wanked. I told him I couldn’t, but he said that I wouldn’t be a good sub and basically guilted me into it.”

“Crikey. Did he threaten you in any way?”

“No. He just played in to my guilt.”

“That’s awful. What happened next?”

“I applied light pressure on his throat, as he started stroking himself. For a while, I thought it was going great, but he started telling me to do it harder, and harder still. Until finally, I was full-on throttling him. I could hear that he was choking properly, but he just wanted me to keep going. I screamed in terror until finally, he fell completely limp. I let go of him immediately and tried to revive him, but when the paramedics came…”

“Oh dear. No wonder you say you’re so messed up. Do you want to carry on?”

“Yes, now that I’m going, I might as well go on. But really, there’s nothing let to tell. He was dead, I couldn’t come clean about what happened and my life just went tits-up. I rarely speak to Alex, I’m not into BDSM anymore and I don’t trust myself around guys.”

“But it’s not your fault, Alice. What I gather from it is that he was being sexually selfish. He just used you for his own satisfaction.”

“That may be, but I should have stopped. I should have let go of his throat.”

“But he wanted you to carry on. He pushed you too far. And did you ever think that maybe he wanted it to end like that?”

After saying this, he put his hands in front of him, to shield him from any possible oncoming blows.

“To tell you the truth, James, I haven’t really thought it through. I tried to block it out. I have what I call “bright days” and “dark days”. And on the really dark days, I’m a ghost. I call in sick from work and lie on my bed all day.”

“I take it you haven’t had any dark days this semester? I haven’t seen you sick once.”

“I have something else to focus on these days.” I said, mustering up a faint smile. He smiled back and pulled me close to him.

“This thing we have going. The flirting and the cheek and the chemistry. Would you rather I quit pursuing you?” he asked. “I mean, you’ve obviously been through a lot and I don’t want to pressure you into something you don’t want.”

I thought about it for a while. Mused, mulled, whatever you do. And the answer, for once, seemed crystal clear in my head.

“But I want you. Really badly. I’ve been aching for you. Ever since I heard your voice, ever since I looked into your eyes. But I can’t seem to open myself up to you. I can’t seem to shake Iddo off.”

“Let me help you. I’m sure that together we’re both much stronger in the battle against our demons.”

“Either that, or we’ll drive each other crazy and end up destroying our souls. It’s a risk, James.”

“But I think it’s a risk worth taking. I want you too. I need you”. he said, putting a very obvious emphasis on the word “need”.

“Why would you need me? I’m nothing special.”

“What, you not special? Oh, you’re special. Trust me. You do not only worship Aphrodite, but you look like my vision of her. Long, flowing red locks, the biggest brown eyes, such beautiful breasts…”

“How much of a Mary-Sue do you think I am?” I chuckled.

“What the heck is a Mary-Sue?”

“Oh, you have so much to learn from me.”

He smiled at me. Such a warming, comforting smile, filled with so much joy it almost made me burst.

“So, does that mean you want to take the risk?” he asked, albeit tentatively.

I couldn’t help but smile back.

“Yeah. It’s a risk worth taking. But I want to take it slow, if that’s ok with you?”

“Of course. Of course, darling, we’ll take it as slow as you want. We’ll take it… no, that’s not right.”

“You were going to say one step at a time, weren’t you?”

“Kinda. But you get the jest of my words.”

“I do. Ehm… it’s getting very late.”

“Do you want me to walk you home? Or I’ll get you a cab or anything.”

“I’m not far off, so if you want to walk me home, that would be great.”

And so he walked me home. In the evening glow and the light of the street, we looked like an ideal couple. Holding hands, giggling to ourselves… it was nice.

“So. Till tomorrow then?” he said, after we had arrived at my door.

“Yeah. Unless… unless you want to come up? Have a drink, watch some television…”

“Make out in the glimmer of moonlight shining through your window?”

“That too.”

He laughed heartily. “I’d like that. But in the spirit of taking it slow, why don’t we save that for another day?”

“Alright. Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow it is.”

We kissed goodnight, a very long, lingering kiss that made me swoon all night long.

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  1. Well, *that* went well 😉

    Are we going to hear his backstory?

  2. In due time. I’m still trying to figure James out myself!


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