Red part 14

14: I trust you

We didn’t talk much on the way home from the gym. Probably because it was such a scary, angst-laden subject and it wasn’t right talking about it in a taxi. I tried cheering him up, but truth be told, I had no clue as to how.

He took off home after we got back. I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the weekend.

Laura hadn’t shown up again, so I sat alone in the cafeteria. I didn’t have a lot of friends amongst my colleagues. I often doubted my likeability because of this, and it had given me moments of insecurity in the past. But now, I happily sat alone, on my seat by the window, munching on my chicken pastilla I bought on the way to school.

“Ehm… is this seat taken?”

I looked up into James’s beautiful eyes. He was smiling, thank God.

“No. You can sit here if you like.”

He put his lunch down and sat down on the empty chair. He pricked a piece of chicken on his fork and moved it towards his mouth, but then stopped.

“I needed time.” he then said. “Just some time to process… these new feelings I’m having. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be. I can’t seem to handle it. When I realised what you were doing, I became so scared. It was just too much.”

“You could have stopped me if you didn’t want it.”

Silence. Only the sound of teenage mouths stuffed full of chicken and mash.

“You must understand, I’ve been longing for this closeness for so long. Reed, I am sick with desire for you. I want you so much, it physically hurts me. And your lips, right there, at that moment… fuck, it was so arousing and so scary at the same time. I hate that I come too soon. I hate that everything in my life is so messed up. But at that moment, I had no choice. I needed to come. And I’m sorry for…”

“Did you enjoy the blowjob?”

He nodded.

“Did it make you feel good?”

He nodded again.

“Then, why are you sorry? James, I told you, you needn’t be sorry for something like that. Fuck, I don’t care if you come too soon. I won’t love you any less for it. Besides, if you let me, I might be able to help you. But you just need to gather the courage to talk to me about it. Or if you can’t… write it down and let me read it after school or something.”

“But you have your own problems. You have your own dark secrets and I can’t saddle you up with mine.”

The bell rang. The students cleared out of the cafeteria, and I looked James in his eyes.

“What happened to fighting our demons together?”

I stood up, took my plate and walked away from James.

And I prayed to Aphrodite that he would speak up.

****

The bell rang. The end of another colder, longer autumn afternoon. My students piled out of the class, and I started packing my stuff. I had planned a very big night in, on my own, watching everything I had recorded on my Sky Plus box. Since my Sky Plus box had content on it dating from way back in January, I knew I had a long night ahead of me…

The last of my students, a pretty, young brunette, waved a kind goodbye and scurried off to probably catch her bus.

I followed suit and quickly made my way to the school gates.

“Reed, wait up!”

Turning around, I saw James running towards me. He reached me at double speed. I was still amazed at how fast he could go.

“Do you mind if I come back to your place? Only, I… I missed you. I want to be close to you. And maybe then I can speak about…”

He didn’t finish his sentence, but I knew full well what he meant. Without speaking, I hooked my arm in his and walked with him to my place.

****

We shared a huge Hawaii pizza and chattered about our day. But then, I felt like it was time for him to speak up.

“Tell me about your father. What was he like?”

He sighed heavily.

“My dad was a cruel man. Impossible to live with. I think he was just raised in the wrong way, because his parents were also impossible and cruel. My nan was big on corporeal punishment, and my granddad was just downright offensive to everyone. My first memory of them is my nan telling my mum that I needed a good spanking, because I was being fidgety.”

“Did your grandparents ever beat you?”

“Not that I remember. They died when I was six. It nearly killed my dad to lose both his parents in such a short space of time. I think that’s what turned him into what he was. One day, he just turned on me.”

“And what happened?”

He turned his head away from me, like he was scared to look me in the eye whilst he told me his deepest secrets.

“He called me to his bedroom. Said I was a disgusting young boy, because I had been playing in the muck. He… he pulled my pants down and bent me over his knee. Took off his belt… and he… he… shit.”

I took his hand in my hand. Tried to reassure him. “It’s alright. If you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to.”

“But I want to. He just hit me with it, on my arse, on my back, on my legs… I was bleeding so hard. Worst thing was, he showed immediate remorse and took care of my wounds after that. He wasn’t so remorseful the next time.”

“When did he hit your thighs?”

He took a sip of his drink, to moisten his drying throat. I felt bad for making him tell me all of this. But I hoped it helped him, at least a little bit.

“When I was 14. He… he caught me… He caught me masturbating.”

“What? He was angry at you for masturbating?”

“To him it was a sin. A man’s member was only to be used for procreation, not for pleasure. So, he hit my thighs. With every intention of… of hitting my penis.”

I nearly suffocated on my drink. “Hitting your penis? What kind of twisted…”

“I should say that he didn’t get the chance. My mum caught him. Threw him out of the house. She tried to convince me that sex and masturbation were two things that people enjoyed and that sex wasn’t only for procreation.”

“Did you have therapy for it?”

“Yes. Loads. My confidence was shattered and it showed when I got my first taste of sex. This girl, who I didn’t really like, but apparently fancied me, dragged me into the men’s room at a party, and gave me a blowjob. I was so excited, I came in two minutes flat. She apparently thought it was pathetic and told her friends. The next Monday, I came to school with a new nickname.”

“Dare I ask?”

“Spaff Boy.” he said, sighing heavily. “Scarred me for life. I thought I was cursed. I told my psychiatrist and she said that ejaculating really fast the first time you do something like that is quite normal, but I kept having it.”

“Maybe it’s just because of your mindset? Do you have it when you have actual sex?”

“Sometimes. I wouldn’t know if it’s improved, I haven’t had sex in forever.”

“How come?”

“My last girlfriend thought my scars were quite funny. So, I shut down completely.”

“But let me ask you this. Why did you give me oral? And why did you let me give you a blowjob? And, another thing, why did you let me touch your scars?”

“I gave you oral… to impress you, I guess. I’m not that particularly great at the fingering thing, and I am really fucking awesome at oral, if I may say so myself. I let you give me a blowjob because… because I wanted it so bad. Believe me, I was scared out of my fucking mind. I always wince when somebody touches my thighs. But oh my word, you are so mind-blowingly amazing at sucking cock. I couldn’t help letting you. And I trust you. I trust you enough to touch my scars and to do something intimate with me.”

I smiled. Having his trust was nice.

“First of all, smug much?” I said, which made him giggle. “Second, fuck, I wanted it bad too. I want more, even. And third… thank you for trusting me. Though we haven’t known each other very long.”

“That’s true. But I feel… strangely safe when I’m with you. I don’t know why, but you have a comforting presence. I like… no, I love being around you. Being with you.”

“I love being with you as well. But to tell you the truth, I’m fucking scared out of my mind. Scared to hurt you and scared to get hurt. Scared to…”

“Kill me? Alice Reed Sullivan, you didn’t kill Iddo. He just didn’t know when to stop. He pushed his limits too far. It was a terrible accident.”

I could feel tears brewing, and soon, they started flowing freely. 

“Babe, don’t cry.” he said, standing up and hugging me.

“I don’t trust myself around men! I can’t make love to a man without seeing Iddo’s lifeless face in front of me. That blowjob was the only time I managed to… not see that!”

“But isn’t that a good thing? Maybe it doesn’t happen with me, maybe you feel comfortable enough to be intimate with me?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’d love to actually be able to have sex with you, but I’m so afraid I might lock up completely.”

“And I’m afraid I might come too soon and accidentally jizz in your eye or something stupid like that. But we can beat all that, I think. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re quite good together.”

“Both messed up and sexually awkward?” I said, laughing weakly. He playfully spanked me on my bum as an answer.

“I mean that we mesh. I realise I’m sounding incredibly clichéed but it seems to ring true.”

“So you think that we’re a big cliché?”

“Reed!”

“Just kidding.”

I pulled him closer and pressed my lips against his. I tend to forget how good his lips are. This was a happy reminder. Coming down from this kiss made me feel quite bad.

“Ugh, I feel disgusting. I could use a bath.”

“I could run you one, if you like. Actually, I could use one myself.”

This put an idea into my head.

“Why don’t you join me? We could talk. Laugh. Soap each other up.”

“That sounds nice. Very nice.”

So he went to run me a bath….

 

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1 Comment

  1. Ooooo… suds play!! 😉
    Sounds promising!

    Reply

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