I Have Nothing Left

 

 

I Have Nothing Left

Tuesday morning, rain falls down. I sit in my car, waiting for you to come outside and drive with me to town. I used to love driving you to town, to anywhere in fact. Any moment spent with you is a moment cherished forever.

But as the rain beats down on the roof and streams down the windows I realise what I am feeling is quite awful.

I don’t want you to come outside. I don’t want you in my car, I don’t want you in my house, I don’t want you anywhere near me.

I’m quite horrified that my mind is so fucked up that I have come to this conclusion.

I think I have to hate you.

I have to hate that smile on your face. I have to hate that giggle. I have to hate touching your body, because the exquisite, almost sick pleasure I get from tasting your sweet cunt is too much for me.

I have to hate you because I can’t love you the way I want to. My god, woman, you are the salt of the Earth and you deserve so much better than a fucked up mutt like me. You are the first person I ever loved and you made me see that there is so much more to life than what I had.

And it kills me so much that I just want to go cold turkey and never see you again, because you are an addiction that I will never kick.

But as I watch you come out the door, I’m reminded that I do want to love you, and that I want to be a better man for you. That I want to fight tooth and nail for you. 

Because I have nothing left. No defenses, no fight talk, no nothing.

I have nothing left but you.

And damnit, I want to hold on to you like the last drop of water in a dry desert.

“So, where are we going today?” you ask, when you step into the car and kiss my cheek. I am torn between wanting to send you away and giving you everything I have.

And the decision is made quite quickly.

“Anywhere you want, babe. Anywhere you want.”

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