All that Glitters isn’t Glam

I have tried to vocalize this for a long time, and have only managed in little niblets spread across various posts. Inspired by Violet+Rye from Uncommon Appetites, I’ve decided to clarify some things.

I’ve mentioned before that I’d love to actually add something to the beautiful porn world, and that I’d be interested in doing some work in queer porn.

I can’t seem to be upfront about this to my parents. I know, you think why should I be upfront to this about my parents? Because, through all this, my mum has been my major support on the home front. And I think that she at least deserves to know this.

Also, why wouldn’t I do this? Even in just a small part, I want to make a change. I want to be one of the people that moves and shakes it all.

But there is still a little niggle inside me that says that this is just something foolish and that I need to focus on real life. Whatever that is.

My writing seems to be slacking, even if I’m writing every day. I can’t seem to focus and I keep thinking that whatever I do, nothing will be as good as the first story I sold.

I want to write a novel. But I seem to not be achieving the level needed to put together a novel. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just not able to write novel-sized stories. I wanted to do so with Red, and that went to pot. I want to do it with Piano Man, and I’m way behind on my work there.

And I want to challenge myself. Write something that nobody deemed me able to do. Bring characters to life and weave their worlds with precision.

I want it all. And I want it… well, soon.

There are days when I think, “Why the fuck not?”. Why don’t I write that MM story I’ve been trying to make happen? Why don’t I sub another story for publication?

And why the fuck not would I do something for the porn business? Why THE FUCK NOT? Because my parents wouldn’t approve? Because my family would disown me?

D’you know what? I don’t give a bloody toss. I want to write about the ugly stuff, I want to go there, challenge myself, feel alive and I don’t want anyone to stop me, and I’m afraid they will.

I want to escape.

I just don’t know how.

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3 Comments

  1. Jess and ben

     /  November 30, 2011

    Magnificent. Its very very HARD to figure out what all we want and how to escape expectations. Let us know when you find a way!

    Reply
  2. I’d like to write soft porn. Hell, I’d even like to be in some as long as it’s not a part that requires any nudity. But it’s difficult to find a way to even begin to think about working in any or even seeing the studios…

    Reply
  3. Fear is the greatest inhibitor to self-actualization. Fuck what people are going to say or think. You can’t change that. It’s your life. Live it the best way you know how. Do the things that makes YOU happy. That’s all there is to it dear. 🙂

    Reply

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