There have been many posts about being “out” as a sex blogger. I thought I’d weigh in and share what I am.

I am what I call “semi-out”. Not by choice, mind. People just found out. Mum knows because I told her. I couldn’t see myself keeping it from her. She’s supportive, albeit a little keen.

Dad… I don’t know about him. I don’t know what he remembers.

Some family members found out through my mum. Others aren’t in the know.

Those I have told personally, I know I can trust. Well, except for my mum.

I don’t let people read what I write. I would be mortified if family stumbles upon this blog. Or if the unlikely happens and my mum learns English and finds this blog.

People know I’ve been published, but I’m lucky that they don’t know what I write. I daren’t give my business cards to anyone around here, for fear of the word spreading.

I fear for people judging me for being a sexually positive and liberated woman. That’s why I don’t really talk about it with people outside the community. I fear I can’t defend my cause.

Am I alone in this?

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  1. A handful of trusted people who we know offline are aware that we have a sex blog. A few have read it, or at least know the URL. Most of the people we know personally, however, are unaware. Our friends and family would likely be unable to understand why we need this outlet, or what it means. They would judge us, as you fear they would judge you. American society is reflexively conservative when it comes to sexuality; Jill is a teacher, and her sexual agency would not be looked upon favorably. She would be blacklisted, with no defense; although sex-positives would wring their hands and express their sympathy, that would be no consolation financially.

    You are wise to blog in a language your mother doesn’t understand. 🙂

  2. This is a big subject for me and one that I think about often. I would have to say that a bit like you Jilly I would class myself as ‘semi’ out, some of it through choice and some not.

    My Mother found my blog through another member of family who helpfully and kindly alerted her to it. Bloody nosey parker busy body people piss me off. Anyway, my Mum is greatly upset by my blog and it has caused friction between us but I refuse to give up something I love and have worked so hard to build just because she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t have to read it, there is always the big red cross in the corner of the screen.

    The only reason I have not completely outed myself is because of my children, not because I am concerned if they should find my blog but in case their friends do as I suspect it would lead to them being teased. If they found my blog I would happily sit down and discuss it with them and explain it to them as best I could but their friends are another matter and so until they are old enough to deal with that then I shall keep it as it is.

    As far as everyone else is concerned, fuck em, if they don’t like it then that is their issue and they are not the type of people I particularly want to spend my time with. Having said that I do have some friends that I don’t ever discuss it with but I have also never gone to great length to tell them about it. I suspect they know from other friends but it is just a subject we never mention.

    I think being cautious is wise but I hope with time Jilly you also become proud enough and confident enough of your liberal sex positive attitude to not worry about what other think and just be the person you need to be.


    Ps @jackandjill I am glad I don’t live in the USA… no offense!

    • None taken whatsoever, Molly. Here in the States, being a nosy busybody that judges others in order to gain some warped sense of self-satisfaction is the national pastime. Our blog is a small measure of rebellion against the prevalent conservatism that we see and hear about so often. Your attitude on the subject with regard to your own blog is refreshing, and solidifies our opinion of you as a sane, level-headed person. We are glad to know you.

  3. Sometimes I want to tell people just to surprise them. But I know I never will.

    I find it harder to write my blog than when I started; I was completely anonymous then. There are things I feel I can’t write now I have a boyfriend who reads it. And sometimes I feel weird that there are a handful of people who have seen both my face and my tits.

  4. I am not out to anyone IRL except D. I can’t be. It goes beyond fear of losing a job or a parent finding out, but I’m not comfortable discussing what “it” is online. But the issues that govern being out are the same ones that govern my decision not to post any nekkid pics.

  5. I am not out. People know I write two blogs and, although it doesn’t have the storming readership like it used to have when it was a forum to verbally abuse me, some people still read my “me” blog on LiveJournal. But I write in that less and less these days, because writing in ILB is much more liberating, and a lot more fun. And more people read it and I get less spiteful, anonymous comments.

    I don’t mind people reading what I write, but with something like ILB, obviously my parents and friends and family are out of the “secret”. A lot of people know there’s a blog I write which they don’t read. Nobody has asked where it is. Nobody had guessed it’s about sex. I guess that my other blog is so boring they wouldn’t even imagine reading another one by me, especially if it’s more of the same under a false name.

    The fact that it isn’t more of the same – I write sexy stuff and humorous stuff and sometimes even manage a semblance of a mixture of both – often makes me crack a smile when I think about what some people are missing. But I wouldn’t call myself ‘out’. Some people know I write one, and some people – often other bloggers (in fact, in practically all cases, other bloggers) may identify my face – or eve n my real name – with ILB. But it’s still meant to be a secret. And, in that way, long may it continue to be.

  6. Am I the only one who doesn’t think about these things? But still, it’s fascinating to hear other people’s thoughts. I’m out where it seems right, and keeping it to myself elsewhere. Like many people I have my job and family to consider. But I don’t make a big deal of keeping it a secret. And I don’t feel any less like me when I hide it, if you see.

    It’s possible that I’m just reading into this, but you say it makes you feel like a “liberated woman”; why “woman” and not “person”? I’m a little obsessed with the gender equality thing, perhaps because it’s never been an issue in my life, whatsoever… but yes, I’m curious. Do you feel it as a woman? Or, as a writer, did the word ‘woman’ just fall into place there?

    I’m sorry I’m taking this off on a tangent, but use of language is so fascinating and when it comes to gender, – a topic I’m currently studying in regard to literature – I like to know how much consideration is put into words.


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