When you start feeling like a stranger in your own family, you can have one of two reactions.

One, completely freak out and slip into a deep spiral of self-loathing, wondering what you’ve done wrong.

Two, ignore it and merrily go your own way with life.

Or at least I think it’s like that. Either way, I’m stuck on the slope between option one and two.

I talked to my mum about why she chose to out me as a sex blogger to my family. She didn’t see the harm in doing so, and the more I tried to explain that I *did* see harm in that, the more I felt like maybe there are parts of me she doesn’t understand.

Yes, I chose to open this blog and open heart and wounds from the past. Yes, I did choose to share my life, my lusts and even my naked body with strangers. No, I did not do this so my family could follow and scrutinize my every waking move. I started this blog for myself.

This blog is a space of growth, experimentation and discoveries. I live here. I laugh here.

I find myself freaked out when my ten year old niece starts asking if she can “read my book” (she was unknowingly referring to Stockings and Santa). Or when my sexagenarian aunt requests to read my blog. Really, aunt? Do you really want to read about my forays into anal sex? Or that bloodplay story I wrote? Or how I like to watch men masturbate?

Apparently, my mum had no choice to tell this to that aunt. She’s her sister afterall. They share everything, including how weird Jilly is.

Sorry, that came out bitter.

I can think of a million reasons why I want to keep Jilly/Jill Boyd a secret. But only one matters.

I don’t want to feel even more like an alien in my own family.

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  1. Thing about family is that you are, in a great sense, the product of their nature and/or nurture. It works both ways. And then there’s the old saying “You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family”. Your family is part of you and you are part of your family so whether you are outed or not, you are what you are. Accept them for who and what they are. They will make their own mind up. Better being yourself than being someone they want you to be; a facade requires a huge amount of soul-taxing maintenance and eventually crumbles away anyhow.
    The thing about being an individual is that you are YOU, not anyone else. There is not ONE person in this world that you have to conform to. As long as your intent sits well with your conscience then all is how it should be. Look within yourself for your morals and standards; don’t feel compelled to adopts other’s.
    And lastly, the thing about opinions is that you can take them or leave them – including mine 😉


  2. Mothers are unable to keep secrets.


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