In Sleep

I’ve not been well. Physically that is. Mentally, I’m on top of the world. Fleshbot, Jane’s Guide, pageview record… I should be feeling chipper, really.

But physically, I feel like a ragdoll. This is the second day in a row where I need more than one nap to keep myself up in the day. I just feel tired. Mum assumes it’s because I’ve been off my vitamins, and I’m inclined to believe it is. I feel sorry for myself. I want to kick my own arse and get myself in gear. I had so many plans for the first few weeks of the year, and now they’re in danger of all going to pot, just because I lack energy and sleep.

Sleep’s a bitch, by the way.

I love sleep, but it has got a way of making me very confused. I have nightmares involving my friends. Involving school, which I find incredibly weird, seeing as I’ve been out of school for a year now. In these dreams, my friends are always angry at me for some reason, and I wake up feeling incredibly alone. I hate that no-one is there to provide comfort. I hate that I haven’t put the whole school and bullying and paranoia thing behind me.

I’m angry at myself. It’s making me feel like less of the fabulous person I know I can be. I’m grumpy, I’m just… exhausted. I don’t know how to beat these dreams.

Sometimes, I just want to stay awake.

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2 Comments

  1. Sometimes I feel the same way. Since becoming parents neither of us are convinced that we’ll ever get enough sleep, ever, for the rest of our lives. This may be an exaggeration, but having a child that dislikes sleep tends to take its toll. Given the situation, I find that I am eating on a much more varied schedule than I would like, and am frequently unable to sit and enjoy what I’m eating. Rather than cooking lunch for myself and being able to sit down and enjoy it, I find that I’ve sometimes got to eat quickly. This also has an impact on my energy level.

    I managed a much-needed nap Monday and Tuesday. On Monday, it was a short nap, actually in bed, while the baby played in her room. I can’t sleep where she’s playing because (a) she will just come over and poke at me and (b) all of her toys make noise and do so when they know I’m trying to rest. On Tuesday I waited until the baby napped (*gasp* she napped!) and caught about half an hour’s sleep once Jill got home.

    Fortunately, I don’t have much trouble with my dreams. Sometimes I remember my dreams and other times I do not. Sometimes my dreams are so vivid and perplexing that they beg analysis when I wake up. I frequently dream about sex and feel sad when I wake up in the middle of one.

    I can relate to the feeling of loneliness and helplessness when you wake from a bad dream. Sometimes I do have nightmares – it’s not all sex and banana splits – and I hate the feeling that comes from sitting bolt upright in the dark, realizing that it was just a dream while simultaneously wondering where the hell it came from.

    I’m not sure how to beat a dream, either. Is there anyone you can talk to about the dreams themselves? Someone who might be able to help figure out and process their cause, perhaps?

    -Jack

    Reply
    • I’m going to have a chat with my psychiatrist about it tomorrow. I hope she doesn’t give me more drugs because I’m fucking sick of taking six or seven pills every day. Thanks for commenting, sweetie 🙂

      xx

      Reply

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