Ambition, Power and a Bunch of Twathorses

I never fancied myself ambitious, until I came back from London. It was a weird moment, that first time. Realizing that I did have more in me than I had expected. It was a long chat with Elenya Lewis, who I now consider one of my closest friends, that got me thinking about what I wanted to do with my life and my skill.

It took some months for this conversation to simmer and cultivate the seeds that are now there. But after my last trip to London, a little over a week ago, I finally managed clarity.

So many lovely people have influenced me. Made me see what I can become and what my passion really is. Of course, the Twathorses were also a-plenty. Twathorse is actually a term I coined in conversation with a friend, concerning X Factor UK host Dermot O’Leary. It’s just basically an umbrella term for incredibly dull/inane/stupid/silly/all of the above people. Dermot of course being a nice combination of all of them.

But I have found that you can just ignore them. If you deny their existance, twathorses will eventually gallop away, whinnying about their failure to get you down from the high you might be on. Or something similar to that.

I’ve figured out that I’ve got ambitions beyond what I thought I had at first. They don’t just lie in becoming a sexual educator. They stem from the plan I had saved for when I left high school. I wanted to be a journalist.

So, I figured, why not? I’m now looking for a course in journalism in London. If I had the money, I’d eventually study film history too, but just for self-gratification.

Jobs are a different matter. I want to look for something where I can write. I’ve considered making a LinkedIn profile and becoming a freelancer. This would be to get some practice on my general writing skills.

In the meanwhile, I’ll just keep taking on calls for submission and work on this idea I’ve been mulling on. It involves soup and awkward love.

It’s all very well. But my mum doesn’t seem to get all of this. She thinks I should only take on paid jobs. Now, I spend the bulk of my time with Remittance Girl talking about how taking paid blogging jobs is just not gonna happen in the first few years of your blog. You need to be established and Mamma Boyd doesn’t seem to get that.

She’s in quite a state today, due to the lack of some medication. She’s upstairs now. Finding it difficult to deal with her right this minute. She keeps going on about needing to find a place in London and needing money. If ever there wasn’t a talk about money in the last few weeks, I must have snoozed off at some point.

I got an offer from an online magazine editor, who had found my card at She Said in Brighton. I was so fucking excited that someone had found my card and that it would be one of my first big things. Mamma responded with, “Are you getting paid for it?”

Right, I’m slightly sick of hearing this.

But all things considered, I refuse to give up my ambitions. I know full well I need money. But I also need support in my endeavours. I need to get my name out there, need to get references and a portfolio. Contacts, a network… It’s a lot.

But for the first time… I have faith I’ll get there. I will make the most of my career.

And all those twathorses (yes, you Dermot) can just go gallop off into the void. I’ll come out on top.

Leave a comment


  1. Good stuff. More people need to have your tenacity.

  2. I’d agree experience is more important than income if you can find other ways to support yourself in the interim. Twathorse makes me think of spanking horse 😉

    • Yeah and she doesn’t seem to get that. Shame. I’m running out of ways to tell her without making her cry and I don’t like making my mother cry! Twathorse could take on a whole new meaning when said in the sexual sense… *ponders*

  3. People will always try and temper your ambitions. It is almost always because they don’t know how to fulfill their own and I don’t think it’s meant as a slight to you. We need people to help us to be practical – and then we need to carry on and get where we want to go with that in mind.

    You’re right, it won’t be a paid gig from the word go so. And you will need money so you’ll just have to think outside the box a bit. I have every faith that you will go a very, very long way.

    • Thank you, my darling. Means a lot coming from you.

      The lessons you learn from the people you meet are so valuable, so I’ll take what I learned with me. Just wish they’d put a kibosh on the negativity!


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