Me and My Filthy Mouth

So, of course, you want to hear all about my epic weekend of fun and frolicks.

Well, yeah, I’d like to hear about it too, since I’m pretty sure I forgot most of it! But no worries, my dear readers! I’ll try to remember it as much as I can. My strategy to take over the UK with my filthy mouth and pussy was threefold.

  1. Take over Sex Toys UK
  2. Debut my poem Let Me Be on stage in front of the entire Green Carnation
  3. Get my pussy cast in plaster by Jamie McCartney of Great Wall of Vagina fame.

Pleased to report back to Mission Control (AKA, myself) that all of this worked out to perfection.

It started Friday morning, when I met the lovely Rose for breakfast at Starbucks. We were both waiting for the entire group to gather and it was nice to shoot the shit with her in my mothertongue. Eventually the other people who were joining us…. joined us. Innocent Loverboy and the beautiful Blacksilk were amongst our willing tour group and it was super lovely to see them. The lovely Shalla arrived with a dude from Denmark in tow. Fascinating. Never met any Danes before.

We trekked towards Luton, where we were joined by Molly featuring DomSigns (with snappy hat on) and Rebecca Lowrie. Cara Sutra let us into the treasure cave, which included a bunch of toys including what is sure to be the meme of the year between all present: THE ASS MASTER.

After a lot of wonderful discussions (in which I thankfully managed to hold my own) about sex toys, sex education and sex in general, we were shown the office and a conference room, where the table was full of Rabbits and sleeves and the REV100, which could easily double for a wine bottle. It gave me a lot of giggles when I eventually managed to turn it on!

Then, we were shown to the warehouse, where it appeared that the entire stock of erotic candy could easily provide staff with food for a week in case of a lockdown.

We were sent back towards London with gift bags, which included an I Rub My Fishy and a coupon for free porn. Which, free porn, yay!

Now, if you were at Luton station at about… 3.30, 4.00 pm that afternoon, you may have spotted a bunch of dishevelled people lugging various plastic bags which read SEX TOYS ADDICT? Yeah, that was us.

On the train back, Blacksilk and me managed to sell some of our more unwanted items to a bunch of lovely, albeit slightly drunk strangers. I sold my cockring for two pounds. Steal of the year, I say.

Then, we headed towards The Green Carnation.

After having a sort of dinner (tomato-basil soup for me, chicken soup for Rose and hummus for ILB), we entered the green depths of the Carnation. I got out my feather tickler, to combat the nerves. If you remember correctly, I was about to debut on stage as a Filthy Mouth!

But first things first! Finally meeting SJ, hugging and cooing over my best girl Elenya’s dress (which she made from scratch), being advised by SmutMuppet to buy a riding crop “cos it goes well with the accent”, cuddling everyone and anyone, watching Molly get spanked by DomSigns live and catching up with Mia! I’m sure more happened!

Then, it was time to let a bunch of filthy wenches with equally filthy mouths (aka erotica collective Filthy Mouths and Evil Tongues) loose on stage! One by one, they stunned us with sexy words and, in the case of Annie Player, sexy moves. I must give credit to the gorgeous Mz B for holding her own up against a nasty heckler!

After Molly had made us all aroused with her incredibly sexy reading voice, it was my turn.

And I…

Fucking slayed it.

I’m sorry, that just sounds smug. But I did well! I was quick, made a joke about being a Belgian and didn’t even cock up!

I ran off stage into the arms of Josh Brandon and a bunch of congratulations, which I truly appreciate!

ILB read next and shone his halo over all of us. DomSigns…. yeah, does he do audiobooks? And Lady Grin Soul and Dragon King’s Daughter sang us out with a story each.

The rest of the night was a slight blur. I know that at some point, I momentarily forgot the exsistance of Fireman Sam and got cuddles from ILB. But the absolute magic happened as the DJ played Firework by Katy Perry. Yeah, I remember the song!

I was trying to send a text to Molly. When I eventually managed, she sent one back from the opposite side of the room.

“I think this deserves a kiss…. x”

She came over, grinning like a Cheshire Cat. “Did you get my text?”

I showed it to her. And then… our lips met.

And I fucking got kissed by a girl!

Now, in hindsight, it was such an awesome moment, but I couldn’t help wishing the DJ was actually playing I Kissed a Girl, instead of some nonsense about being a plastic bag. Still, that rocked my socks!

A few moments later, Shalla approached. “How are you doing?”

“I kissed a girl. And I liked it!”

And suddenly, I was kissing another girl! Before I knew it, I was kissing Shalla! Which was soooooo good, I did it again later!

Finally, Ms Blacksilk came and sat next to me. When I told her about my kisses, she said that if I wanted a third one, I’d be welcome to kiss her… which I bloody well did. Five fucking times. And oh my god, she’s amazing. She let me touch her breasts, that’s how amazing she is. God, she’s gorgeous. All naughty thoughts are now about her.

I’m sorry, I seem to have veered off track!

At some point, I kissed a very drunk Annie, who was doing a dance. All in all, it was a very lucky night!

I left, feeling a bit deflated. Why did I had to leave again?

Then, after trotting down Shaftesbury Avenue, with a plastic blow up fireman under my arm, I signalled a riksha driver and he was so kind to take me to the hostel.

Best night ever?


The next morning, I went to Brighton. After eventually finding a worn-out Annie at the station, we made our way to Ship Street Gardens, where Brighton Body Casting is situated. After going for a drink in a nearby café, it was the turn of me and Miss Mia to get our fannies plastered.

I was shaking in my boots. But eventually, I did go first, because I didn’t want Mia to be nervous. But then I was nervous!

Eventually, neither of us had anything to worry about. Under Jamie’s hands, our vaginas got cast into a blue goo. It was over in half an hour.

Eventually, the five of us (including two other ladies who went earlier) went to the sex shop across the body casting place, where I left a few business cards and bought the nipple tassles.

Then, we buggered off to London again. Now, I don’t quite remember what else happened that night. I was too high from my experiences.

Thank you, Erotic Meet. This was the best weekend of my life and I fucking love that I’m a part of this lovely project.

Now, here’s my pussy.

Not my actual pussy, but the blue gook clone.


Leave a comment


  1. I feel so non naughty for not kissing more!

  2. I’m smiling all over reading this Jilly! Thanks for being a beautiful piece of the Erotic Meet jigsaw and for being a fabulous friend -x-

  3. What a brilliant write up… your excitement and joy of the whole thing comes shining through. Oh and I am sitting here smiling a big smile cause I bagged your girl kissing cherry…. Whoo hoooo!


  4. Am so jealous of this whole experience! What fun! Thank you for sharing what you could remember 😉

  5. “God, she’s gorgeous. All naughty thoughts are now about her.”

    My mind, it is blown. I spent of yesterday evening reading the section about me and you over and over while I played boardgames with some friends. It was *most* distracting.

    Needless to say, it was fabulous to meet you and I’m glad we got on so well in the flesh. I look forward to getting on again in future. 😉

    *goes off to have some dirty thoughts* xx

  6. Absolutely brilliant Jilly babe, well done xx

  1. 2013 « ~ Lady Laid Bare~

Whisper to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: