I’ll Have The Cake, Thanks

So, I’ve been doing the healthy thing for a week now. It’s great. I never realized how much I like fruit, and walks. And I’ve actually lost some pounds from it, which is also A Good Thing.

That, however, does not stop me from wanting to put a GIANT FUCKING CHOCOLATE CAKE in my face. It’s embarrassing. No food should be sinful, or be referred to as “a guilty pleasure”. Pleasure is not guilty. But fuck, I can’t help feeling like a twonk for having slightly erotic thoughts about licking frosting from a cupcake.

Food can be a very sexual thing.

I was reading K.D. Grace’s story Vegging last night, and, to my slight surprise, I found myself immensely turned on by the thought of fucking myself with a carrot. It worked for the woman in the story (also applied were an aubergine and a cucumber, in case you wonder), so why wouldn’t it work for me?

I soon found myself with my hand down my pants, flicking my clit, whilst reading of the veggie-related exploits of the leading lady. Reading became a bit of a task, so the book was tossed to the side whilst I…. tossed myself. I’m kinda wishing I’d written the details of it down, because it’s a bit vague right now. All I can remember is that it was intense. And done without any penetration with toys or fingers.

After I came, I kept fiddling a bit longer. And I came again. Or at least I think I did. In some way, I hope.

All this had come from reading a story about a woman fucking a carrot. It was a bloody good story too, I tell you.

I’ve often blogged about my relationship with food. You may not agree or even be icked out with me when I say this, but food is fucking sexy. No matter what it is (unless it’s squid or something), to me, there’s a sensual quality in it. I don’t just mean the obvious, phallic-shaped sort of vegetation.

Take the art of cooking, for instance.

Sure, you may prefer a slap-up microwave thingamajiggy. Why not? It’s dead easy. But handling food, just taking time to get all the flavors and herbs and spices just right, that’s fucking hot. The feel of kneading dough, the smell of a spiced curry, the sound that involuntarily escapes you when you first taste that cake you’ve worked on for hours? That’s sex.

I’ve tried to write about this for a while now, but I never find the right words to express how I feel about this. I guess that I just needed to think that food is a positive, and not something to do when bored or angry or anything. And associating food with sexy things works for me.

Of course, I’d never consider fucking a carrot.

In the scheme of things, I’m glad I’m eating healthier now. I still need to learn to eat veg, but I have a feeling that this is achievable. Still, I really fucking want something sweet.

Did I mention that I’ve been off Coke Zero for a week?


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  1. Judene

     /  April 8, 2012

    You have no idea how happy I am that you’ve been off the Coke for a while. As for craving something sweet, fruits are the best way to go. Of course, having a decadent piece of cake once in a while is perfectly fine. I love that you’re enjoying walks too!
    Keep it up, dearie!

    • Ack, but I slacked today! I had a bar of really disgusting, possibly rancid Hello Kitty chocolate and drank Coke. But hey, I’ve learned moderation! xx

  2. Rory

     /  April 9, 2012

    I completely agree with you, food can be very sexy. Watching Sam cook is one of my ‘guilty pleasures’, especially when I sit on the counter while he does it, and he feeds me a spoonful of whatever he’s making every now and then…

    Now, for something more boring: Craving something sweet is actually your body asking for fruit (or, to be more precise, fruit sugars). Apparently it’s an evolutionary thing. Because we’re now used to other kinds of sugar, your body gets confused.

    Congrats on doing so well!

    • Mmm, that sounds quite lush! I wish someone sexy did that for me…

      Ah, right, thanks for telling me that. I’ve managed to stay off the candy for a bit now, but I do crave chocolate.


  3. Jill once fucked herself with a cucumber.

    We can both relate to this post very much. We both love to eat. We wouldn’t mind losing a little weight. Therein lies the challenge. We couldn’t imagine saying good-bye to the foods we love, certainly not forever. Even saying good-bye temporarily is daunting.

    Food IS sexy. Cooking is something we enjoy doing together; it’s romantic, it’s exciting, and it’s just plain fun. Why, it’s a lot like sex! It’s rare that we actually use our microwave, and while it’s practical for certain things, there are other foods that would be absolutely ruined by microwaving.

    You don’t find squid sexy? I imagine there are a lot of blog-reading squid out there who are devastated right now.


    • Mmmmm 😀

      Zoe Margolis says the same thing in one of her books: food is a lot like sex. And I totally agree.

      I didn’t mean to insult, but I’m more tempted by other species from the seascape :p


  4. It’s either cake, or death. Of course you’ll take the cake!

  5. Enjoy it all in moderation. I go back and forth between eating healthy for a few weeks and then I’ll crave something not so good and my body makes me pay for it. I cook a lot for my girlfriend, which I love to do, but in past relationships turgid vegetable has a sordid place. We never used a carrot, but I can see how that could be worth a try. It was cucumbers and zucchinis. Work up a good, hot, sweaty, calorie burning evening and then have a slice of cake. the best of both worlds.


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