If Only

I don’t know what happened last night. After the whole EL James on Newsnight malarkey, I was trembling with weird feelings. Anger, frustration, sadness… was this all due to one woman?

Either way, I raged. Twitter tried to calm me down. A vigorous wank was suggested to me. But to be honest, I genuinely wasn’t in the mood for that. It was apparently one of those nights where I wanted to sucker punch someone in the balls.

And then…. things happened. Words happened. All said by one man, one friend, in one DM. 

I didn’t know whether to freak out, laugh, cry, run away. I opted for crying. And anxiously waiting for more words. You know that feeling when you need more words?

I got my words. Words that so unexpectedly struck a chord in me. I felt so broken, and it built me up again.

After trying to gather my senses, I went to bed. And I realized that, more than ever, I needed the release of tension I so badly craved.

I got out Grey. I put on a DVD, to calm me down. And I buried my hands down my pants and pressed Grey against my clit. Hard.

The sheer force of my arousal only hit me when that first buzz did. I was completely taken aback by it. But it worked. The knots in my body, all caused by the tension in my life, started to loosen. It felt like my clit, that tiny knot of nerves, was untangling before me.

I pressed Grey in too hard. The buzz felt uncomfortable, and I had to revert to my fingers, with Grey buried inside me. It was the height of tension, relieved only by thoughts of words. I wanted that climax so badly. Fuck. I NEEDED it.

(author’s note: I should point out that, in my enthusiasm for this particular wank, I very nearly pushed Grey in so deep that I couldn’t pull her out. Yes, try having a panic in the middle of a wank. It’s really not relaxing!)

I could feel myself teetering on the edge, constantly between falling off and remaining put. I cursed to myself. Cursed him, the fucking cunting twatting bastard, for his words and what he’d so unexpectedly done to me. 

And when I came, I cursed him louder than ever.

In the process of trying to come back to my senses, something amazing happened. Everything flowed out, and, for the second time in a short while, I cried.

I momentarily felt ridiculous. Here I was. Clothed but still naked. Paralyzed. Smelling of blood and cum and sorrow. And I was having a cry.

But it felt so good.

And in that moment, I cursed those two words. Those fucking words that I wished had never existed.

If only.

Leave a comment


  1. I am so there too. 🙂 Some “friends” leave me crying…and wanting to do a certain something that isn’t possible in my circumstances. So maybe later I’ll get to find release. Glad you could. And “if only”…I won’t even get started on that. Suffice to say I am 39 and haven’t lived as bravely as you seem to be. Hugs, C

  2. JB.
    You are so amazingly honest. It is really incredible.
    Keep your chin up gal! It will happen. Just be open!
    Much love as always, hope you are ok.
    Lily xxx

  3. After starting Naked Dancing Pixies, I had to come back to read this one (terribly behind on all of my blog-reading). *hugs* Orgasms can be such great releases. Do not feel alone, dear Jilly, I have cried in the aftermath also. It’s very cathartic and intense. *hugs*

    Also, to save you from future panics, I’m sure you know this already but I want to assure you just in case you don’t, nothing is going to get lost up there. Take my word on this. 😉


Whisper to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: