Let’s establish some facts, shall we? Number one: I am a perv. Number two: I like queer porn. Number three: Last time a queer porn site had a free day, I managed to orgasm three times in a row all due to one video. And number four: ever since that day, I have harbored a huge and really badly concealed crush on Ned and Maggie Mayhem.
You all know this, right?
Who am I kidding? Even Ned himself knows that I think he’s a fox. I’ve written an entire story dedicated to him, for fuck’s sake (author’s note: which he actually read and loved)! I’m actually incredibly embarrassed that I’ve only ever tweeted my lust towards him, and not towards the utterly amazing sex goddess that is Maggie.
That aside… you all remember the hotness that went down on the night Queer Porn TV was free, right?
Well, imagine my sheer euphoria at the news that due to a massive credit card company cock-up, Meet the Mayhems (their site) was completely and utterly free this weekend.
Every single clip on the site.
As I was reading the post, my mind started to go into overdrive. How the hell was my cunt going to survive the weekend without going completely numb from all the friction I was going to wreak on it?
I decided that I’d have to risk it.
You actually catch me in a moment of serene pausing. I’ve watched several clips tonight and, to my surprise, I’ve managed remarkable restraint.
I’ve watched Ned shave Maggie’s pussy in front of a fireside. I’ve watched Ned wank, come and actually grin at the camera afterwards. I’ve watched Maggie give Ned the most amazing hand job (finishing him off with a HITACHI). I’ve watched Ned solo, with his HITACHI. Fuck, I watched this man take Maggie’s strap-on up the arse.
And I still didn’t feel the urge to give myself a frig!
My pussy is broken!
Well, it isn’t. I would be an awful liar if I said I wasn’t incredibly turned on. How could I not be? For one thing, Ned is a huge man-slut, which I totally love him for. I could just watch his face as he fucks himself with the HITACHI (men, are you listening?) and get completely high from his excitement alone.
And Maggie is seriously sexy. I mean, like, lady boner-inducing sexy. And she’s just amazing to watch and to listen to in the throes of ecstasy, because not a single moment of it is faked. I admire her for being a funny, sexy, intelligent, sock-rocking nerd.
I realize I may come off as a huge fucking fangirl, but I can’t help completely adoring these two. And I actually learn from them!
- I’ve learned that jerking off with a Hitachi (seriously, men, listen) on the cock head can make a man’s thighs tremble from pleasure.
- That hearing “Treat me like a fucking sex object” come out of a man’s mouth is good enough for an orgasm coma.
- That Norman Reedus in drag is a thing that needs to happen way more often.
- That both men and women in porn are perfectly capable of coming without looking like a surprised deer/like they’re permanently constipated.
- That having crazy monkey sex is totally fun.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch more crazy monkey sex. If you want to enjoy a bit of free crazy monkey sex, get thee to Meet the Mayhems and go with the nerd-gasm flow.
Oh, you need more reasons?