Fight

I’ve been sitting here, in front of a blank blog post, for the past twenty minutes. I’ve started over again and again. And I still can’t find the accurate words to describe how close I came to packing my bags and leaving home today.

Many words have been spilled on the pages of this blog about the situation at home. There were times where I called out for somebody to save me. There were times, and plenty of them, where I wanted to just give up on life. I decided to not let it get to me, and be strong. I wrote my arse off, send off stories and did anything I could just to take my mind off potentially dangerous thoughts involving my dad and throttling.

Call me unreasonable. Call me an utter cunt for all I care. But the moments where I just want this whole Alzheimer bullshit to disappear up its own putrid arse are coming in thick and fast.

And today, I nearly snapped.

You know how I said that it’s like listening to a stuck record? Triple that, and you have today.

I don’t know if I should regale you with everything he said. Twice or thrice, does it matter? Does it matter anymore what words come out of his mouth? The only thing that matters is that those words are key evidence to him being slowly consumed by this piece of shit disease. He forgets even more, he repeats even more and every single day it gets worse.

I honestly have no clue whether to be patient and cater to him or completely lose my shit on him. The amount of times that I cry are becoming more often. Mum sent him to get a bag of potatoes at the store, just so she could hear what was going on with me. Because it feels like I’m not even allowed to cry. Every time I do, he comes downstairs to ask “what bloody noise Jilly’s making this time”.

I have to cry on mute.

At least I managed to explain to my mum how I’m feeling.

I refuse to let this get me back into a depression. I refuse to go into a verbal grudge match with him, just because I know what will come of it, and it’ll not be pretty.

Today, more than ever, my instinct said “flight”. And I know I need to get away. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The one who needs to save me is me. I just don’t know how to save myself.

But I promise you this. I will not let this get to me any more than it already has. Because neither depression nor Alzheimer, nor any shitty disease in the world is worth letting yourself go for.

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6 Comments

  1. wayne

     /  April 24, 2012

    You’re in my thoughts Jilly as you continue to fight and deal with this terrible issue. Just know you have friends out here that care about you as a person……and if you ever need to someone to just listen to you……………

    Reply
  2. JB, we have discussed this before I know. Massive huge (((hugs))) but you definitely need you time and you shouldn’t feel guilty about needing it. Alzheimer’s is a bitch. A toxic all emcompassing bitch. And like all bitches there is a time to say your piece and let them know how you feel, and there is a time to step away and let the bitch have the floor, to breathe, re-group and come back brighter.
    Always here if you ever need,
    Lily xxx

    Reply
    • Thanks Lily. I just felt like today was the worst of all days. I can’t really pretend that it doesn’t get to me. Love you. xxx

      Reply
  3. singedwingangel

     /  April 24, 2012

    Sweetie I just lost my mom in December. Though never diagnosed with alzheimers, dementia was tossed into the hat. I was her sole care taker for the last 4 years, my other 3 sisters too busy to be bothered with her for the most part. It is hard, draining. One day mom would be well mom, the next she could flip and make wild accusations, remember stuff that never happened. It was like dealing with a petulant child some times. My prayers and thoughts go out to you. It would seem there would be a support group for what you are going through.

    Reply

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