You may have guessed from the nature of a few of my previous posts that I’m not doing all that well.
And I’m not. Discovering why was a huge moment for me. Last night, after fits of tears over the well-being of a friend, I began to wonder something. Fuck that, I’ve been wondering it for the past two months. It’s just that the story of this friend triggered it again.
It’s like I’ve been dancing on a tightrope. For months on end, I managed to dance elegantly, if not a bit maniacal. But at some point, I think it was shortly after I’d returned from the last Erotic Meet I attended, I started asking myself questions.
I sank into a slump. This blog and my writing was the only thing keeping me upright on that rope. Dad’s situation got worse, I found it harder not to retire into myself completely, and any thought of sex completely disappeared. I mean, I did wank. But I found it harder and harder to write about.
I started wondering whether I should just let myself fall off the rope. One the one hand, nixing the blog, the writing and effectively the entire Jill Boyd personality seemed so fucking tempting. On the other hand, where the hell does that leave me? In the last year, I managed over 730 posts on this blog. It’s blood, sweat, tears and a massive case of RSI in the making. I would be leaving friends and readers and the tiny sprouts of my writing career behind. And I care too much about all that and all of you to do that.
But I keep wondering whether I can do more. Writing-wise, it feels like I can’t. Like I’ve backed myself into the erotica/sex niche so hard that I don’t know the way out anymore. I want a fresh start.
And I want that in life too. I’ve been babbling about this entire move to London for several years, but I have yet to put my money where my mouth is. What the hell is keeping me from just packing my bags and leaving?
(author’s note: the answer is that it’s become both a logistic mess and a general mind-fuck to find something in London, btw. I blame the Olympics. Fuckers.)
I know. I should get off my arse and take charge. Go and search what I’m looking for.
(author’s note: the answer to that would be stability. Carry on.)