I Can’t, I Won’t

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re dying? 

That your body is numb and your breathing slow and you don’t even know it, but you’re slipping in and out of life and desperately trying to clench on to the moments where your eyes are open?

You’re not alive, but not quite perished. You’re still there, but you feel like at any moment you won’t be.

That’s the scariest shit you’ll ever experience.

And I’ve had it more times this week than I care to count.

More and more, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere I care to go. I never fit in at school. Not even when I actually had friends there.

When I started this blog, I felt so ridiculously alone in this world. And even though I now know I’m not, I still feel that way. I’m here, behind this laptop, chatting to all my friends. Blogging and laughing and having a generally jolly time.

But when I switch off the laptop, I just feel like a piece of shit.

Half of the time, it feels like I’m screaming to make myself understood. I can’t half keep my blogging identity a secret, mainly because it’s too fucking hard to do so. And when I do tell people, I spend the next half an hour explaining why I am a blogger and why I write about sex. When I talk about writing and submitting stories and that entire rigmarole, people look at me like I’m possessed by whatever it is that possessed Reagan in The Exorcist (alternatively: Pamela Stephenson in Strictly Come Dancing). 

Why do I even care to explain?

I mean, I’m writing a story about sex zombies. Do I really need to explain to anyone I know why I’m doing that? Or what the hell is wrong with me, and could I possibly seek some help/check myself into the mental hospital/seek out an exorcist?

I’m writing a story about sex zombies because I like writing stories about things that pique my creativity. So what if that’s a story about someone waking up in tears or a science experiment gone wrong or about any fucking thing I’ve ever written about?

Do I need a reason for doing what I love?

Do I need to explain?

Like fuck I do.

I’ve often wondered what the fuck I’m doing here. It’s just so hard. I can’t properly read people, I can’t judge which side I should take that won’t get me eaten alive by more confident people. I can’t even point out what’s right or wrong to believe in.

I don’t know how to work on the first one. But the two other things… it’s my choice, no? The great thing is that I get to believe in whatever I want. I can take the side I most firmly believe in. Sure, I might still get eaten alive. But at least I stood up for what I believed in.

And it’s time that I did that.

(author’s note: This was written during one of my down moments. I wouldn’t survive those if I didn’t have my friends. So thanks. I love you all. x)

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  1. Rory

     /  May 6, 2012

    At the end of the day, all you can really do in life is stand up for what you believe in. The confidence comes later (at least that is my experience). Kinda like you can’t be brave without being scared first… If that makes sense. I don’t know.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s that there will always be people who think you’re crazy or stupid for making the choices you make, or doing what you do. The funny thing about sides, however, is that although there will be those moments where people steamroll right over you, it also provides an opportunity for other people to say ‘Hold on. I like this girl, I like what she has to say. Maybe *you’re* wrong’.

    For what it’s worth, I love that you don’t shy away from certain subjects just because they might not be as easily accepted by the majority of people. I love reading your blog, and I think you’re a very brave girl. And even if I’d come across an opinion of yours that I wouldn’t necessarily agree with, I’d still respect it, because I have very much respect for you as a blogger, and the honesty that’s in your posts.

    *big hug*

    • It makes sense. It’s this fight or flight thing, I guess.

      I’m actually terrified of giving my own opinion. I feel like a really small voice in a really big world. There’s so much to take into account. If you believe in “this”, you should also know “that” and take into account “but actually” and so on and so on. Confuses the shit out of me.

      Thank you so much. That means the world to me. Sometimes it just feels like nobody in my home environment respects me for this, so to have my close friends respect me, is awesome.

      If that made sense.

      *big hug* *kisses for you, Sam and Wee!RorySam*

  2. And . . . breathe! Juuust relax; it’s all going to be OK.
    For the record, I like you. You’re an awesome person, and you write awesome, quirky, totally YOU posts. This is a very good thing.
    You ARE a small voice in a large world, but the big secret is this – the size of someone’s voice is determined by how many ears are pointing their way.
    People with trillions of Twitter followers or bestselling authors or journalists don’t speak any louder than you – they just happen to be in a position where more ears are ready to hear what they’re saying. And that comes with time and practice and networking . . . and being individual enough to be worth listening to. It’s got very little to do with YOU, as a person or as an author.

    I’ve got a suggestion for you – stop explaining yourself. Stop justifying what you do, and who you are. “Because I want to,” should be reason enough, but if someone genuinely wants to know, and asks you for reasons, THEN you can tell them about it. Individually.
    Until then, just DO. Just BE. Smile, and know that you have a plan. Smile, and remember that nobody else can do things quite the way that you do. It’ll make all the difference.


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