The Place in My Head

I mentioned in my last post that if I closed my eyes, I can see IO and see what could happen between us. 

It’s something that terrifies me. I know that I might be seeing him when I’m in London, and I know that the chances of anything at all happening sexually are slim to none. But whenever I let my mind drift to that place in my head where anything goes, it’s both scary and intensely arousing.

I confided in Harper (whose post on surviving drop alone is a must-read) about hitting that drop, and we got to talking about virginity. She pointed out that losing your virginity is better with a friend.

I’ve been thinking much the same thing. I’d rather take those first steps into sex with someone I know and trust than with some random. 

The thought of making love with IO (yes, I said “making love”, so go and fucking sue me.) is one that… I don’t know. Arouses me. Terrifies me. Makes me yearn for something that I can’t quite put my finger on.

But I keep thinking that this isn’t about IO. That it’s just about sex, with anyone.

And then my mind reverts back to Jason. How I get excited every time I see his name pop up in my inbox. How I remember kissing him in the starlight outside the tube station near my hostel. And I think about just how much I want to see him again. How I want to get to know him.

Jesus Christy, men confuse me sometimes. I can’t really figure out what I want anymore. There are some men in my life that I have come to absolutely adore and that I find so easy to be around. Men that I think I can fall in love with.

And I’m not really sure if I’m ready for that and all that it brings.



Leave a comment


  1. I would definitely say a friend is better because they will have the personal connection and make communication that much easier. It’s up to you to pick the right partner, and I think someone you know is better than random guy eating a donut on the side of the street. (But that’s my opinion.)

    I think you’re yearning more for the companionship than actual sex. Touch is important and affection incredibly so. Is that the same as sex? No, just a part of it.

    Saw a comment the other day about what would the world be like if we stopped saying “lost your virginity” and started saying “Started sexual experience” instead?

    • I think you’re right. I am sorely lacking in touch and affection, and I just want that in my life. But I do want it to be a part of sex at some point.

      Yes, I think that was me, actually! I said “Why do we still call it “losing your virginity”? Isn’t “making your sexual debut” a better thing to say? xxx

  2. cjlemire

     /  May 11, 2012

    This is going to sound trite… or pompous… but is anyone ever truly ready? Or know what they want? There are moments in life that come, and every now and then you have to leap into one of them, headfirst, and let go. It’s called living.

  3. I believe I’ve said to you before that I totally agree that your first time should be with a friend. A friend is more likely to take his time and be more aware of your needs. The basic mechanics of sex are known to everyone: put tab A into slot B, remove tab A from slot B, repeat as necessary. But there’s more to it than that. While a first time doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything at all, I’ve found that the longer one waits, the more it can be built up into something, whether you want it to or not. All I’m saying is that a friend that cares about you would be more inclined for it to be more than just the basic mechanics. *hugs*

    Besides, initiations are supposed to be fun, right? 😉

    I do also agree with Bi, as you’ve confirmed, that you seem to be longing for the companionship and touch. Please be good to yourself and don’t settle for the sex just to get the touch. It’s not fair to you. You deserve it all, luv. ❤

  4. I’ve said many times that I wish I could separate sex and love, and reading this it occurs to me that when you lose your virginity, love is more often than not a difficult burden.

    I think the point about losing your virginity to a friend is not only about it being someone you trust, but about it being with someone you can look at afterwards and laugh with. That silly gigglyness of “hehe, look what we just did” eases the tension of so much social conditioning that this event is HUGE and LIFE CHANGING and DRAMATIC. It’s not particularly; it’s just another first to deal with rationally and move on from.

    And I really agree with CJ. No one’s ever really ‘ready’. We just get to a point where we say “Yeah, okay. An opportunity’s arrived; now then”.

    Chances are it won’t be great, and it’ll take you a while to find your rhythm. I think the best anyone can do is to avoid situations where there’s a chance it could be unpleasant.

    Do it with someone who is happy and excited about getting the chance to be your first.

    (Or… ignore all of the above because I’m sick and rambling and… yeah… go your own way. But that’s my two cents anyway.)


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