Chairs Through Windows and Other Soft Core Memories

In Caitlin Moran’s book How To Be a Woman, she describes how she used to “scavenge” books and telly channels for porn. How her library copy of Riders had a cracked spine, so it flipped open to the good parts.  How she used to search the Radio Times listings for things like the name Jenny Agutter, who was a sure-fire harbinger of filth back in the day. The days before porn was all over the internet.

Oh, that resonated with me. Because I did that too. I imagine that most of us did at some time in our lives. Or still do….

Anyway, with me, it started with a movie called Windows of the Heart. It was on at some point during some night, back in the late nineties, early noughties. The plot is gone from memory (although I seem to remember a journalist…) but my word, it was really arousing. Softly lit. Billowing breasts. Not a single word of dirty talk uttered. I think.

Funnily enough, I remember boasting about it to a few people in my class. I thought it gave me a certain mystique… Plus, it was kinda hilarious to hear their reactions.

I loved making up excuses and staying up late to see sexy films. It felt dangerous, like I was rebelling against… well, I don’t know what. But I totally rebelled against it.

Of course, the big ones to look out for were the Emanuelle/Emmanuelle films. I quickly learned that this meant sex, and lots of it. Many nights were spent in the dark of my living room, watching Em’s rousing adventures. Sometimes, I wished I could have a bit of her carefree spirit. And her breasts.

In later years, my focus was very much on Monday nights. Monday, for some reason, appeared to be the night where everything sexy got aired. One channel scheduled things like Sexcetera (where I learned how to masturbate), the excellent 69 Sexy Things to Do Before You Die and Black Tie Nights, which I fucking loved. I also remember this reality soap about a porn director called Seymore Butts. Who was kind of a douche.

At age eighteen, I started masturbating, and those shows did liven up my fantasies. 69 Sexy Things was responsible for a very epic orgasm, when it showed how to organize a Roman orgy. It did help that there were a few VERY hot people testing out the sexy things (Brandin and Ernesto, who lived it up at Mardi Gras. Kristine and Kaleo, who fucked under the Northern Lights, which is something I DESPERATELY want to do.)

This was also the show that gave me the courage to first vocalize my desire for women, by the way.

Unfortunately, those shows disappeared into the ether. Nobody aired any soft porn anymore. Gone was Emanuelle.

But there were still sultry and sexy movies on the air. And one of those movies gave me the chills from one powerful display of lust.

Because that’s what’s missing in my life. Sheer lust and romance. And the lust I wanted can not be better expressed than through this scene from Body Heat.

I fucking want that. I want a man to want me so much, he throws a fucking chair through my window to get to me. I haven’t seen this movie in yonks, and I still remember this one scene. That’s how powerful that is.

I want all of that back. That innocence, that giddy feeling in the stomach when you see Emanuelle and Haffron making love, or Baby and Johnny slow-dancing into bed. I want that. I want my smut to make me feel giddy. I want sex to make me feel giddy.

Too much to ask?

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  1. Not at all! While sex itself can be fun, it’s the giddy or passionate delight with that special person that really puts it into the joy-bliss-out of body cosmos that makes it more worth it, imho. 🙂 Even if sometimes that special person is just you. 🙂 Better than a fuck with someone who you feel just lukewarm about. 😉 And I remember those kinds of movies…there was this one with Sherilyn Fenn (Meridian)…and one with Liv Tyler (Stealing Beauty)….both set in Italy…hum…mmm-hum. 🙂

  2. We watched the same sort of things.

    To be honest, I wasn’t really too interested in the documentary side of things. Kira Reed presented Sexcetera (and produced 69 Sexy Things), but I much preferred her in softcore – she appeared in Passion Cove along with a load of other stuff.

    Softcore was what excited me. I started watching it when I was about 12, but as we all know, I didn’t actually masturbate until I was about 17, so as far as watching the softcore was concerned, I watched it to get hard. On UK TV we had a fair selection of stuff – fortunately, we did have a lot of the Emmanuelle films. Notably, we had a few repeats of the Space series, with Krista Allen as the titular heroine and Paul Michael Robinson as Haffron, which I think remains my favourite softcore series and a good fail-safe. The 3D gimmick doesn’t work, but never mind.

    I became an expert because, unlike the other boys in my year (and I’m sure some of the girls, but they never said), I didn’t feel the urge to move onto “proper” hardcore. I wasn’t really interested as I was seeing what I considered to be sex in soft porn, with a plot and real characters and settings. Why they were having sex was the important thing – and that’s something I’ve carried through to my interests today.

    We had a few channels that showed softcore – terrestrial newbies Channel 5 were the main culprits, but L!VE TV showed a lot of stuff, Bravo did as well, as did SciFi (now SyFy), who – as well as showing Knightmare in the mornings, Glod bless them – also showed some cheesy softcore in the middle of the night.

    However, it’s UKTV Living (formerly UK Living) who gave me the best stuff – as they showed Passion Cove – easily one of the best softcore shows – in addition to Passion and Romance, which was essentially a wraparound for longer softcore movies… including Windows of the Heart.

    This is, until I discovered Surrender Cinema. I was sold on this company – they got everything right. Okay, in every movie the acting was daft, but the sets were quite well-done, the plot had some depth to it (even if it was also ridiculous to the extreme) and the sex scenes were masterpieces. There were some duff ones, but in movies such as Femalien, The Exotic Time Machine, Veronica 2030 and Virgins of Sherwood Forest, they managed to create a heady mix of sex and sci-fi, both enjoyable for a laugh and if you actually want to orgasm. And they bought softcore back to me as something to be not only enjoyed, but supported and talked about. And a lot of the stuff they’ve done you’ll find me watching on Soft Porn Sunday.

    I love softcore. It’s a fascinating genre, and long may it reign.

    (Honourable mentions also go to Compromising Situations, Love Street, Bedtime Stories and Friend of the Family. There are several others, but they’re too numerous to mention.)

    • ❤ ❤ ❤ Your geekery on this is just adorable, and lovely. I wish I'd known you back in those days, so we could geek out on this together. You make a refreshing change from the dudes I grew up with.

      I remember one night, in boarding school, where we were all huddled together around someone's computer, watching something called Busty Nurses. That put me off big time. I like soft core because it's just… soft. Nice and warm, like a fuzzy blanket. Windows of The Heart was my blossoming sexuality. Granted, it did blossom in super slow motion…

      I also have a soft porn in-joke with myself, would you believe… I once saw a soft porn film with a character in it called Honey Ryder (apparently, ideal name for a prostitute), and when I later found out that this was the name of Ursula Andress's character in Dr No, I had a little chuckle. It's not a very good inside joke, but it'll do.

      I also watched soft core just to get turned on. I liked the feeling in the pit of my belly, which I couldn't really explain at the time. Also, I was a complete and utter sissy and didn't even dare touching myself.

      Whoa, this entire thing brought back so many memories….


      • On the subject of names in softcore, did you ever watch Buford’s Beach Bunnies? Characters in that include Amber Dextrous and Dr van Horney.

        It’s ridiculous, but made me smile.

      • Not that I remember. But Jesus, that’s well funny! Ridiculous, but I’m trying not to giggle right now.

        BTW, favorite name in movies ever: Holly Goodhead in Moonraker.

  3. I’m sure this’ll age me terribly, but for me it was Hammer films (and occasionally stuff from rivals like Amicus) late Friday nights on ITV – oh, the tingling sense of anticipation: will this be rude and gory or just gory? And then there was the time BBC2 went crazy and put on a season of European films, almost all of which featured lashings of sex – ‘Belle du Jour’ was the first one as I recall, and to this day I have no idea why my parents let me stay up to watch it (or any of the others).

  1. 2013 « ~ Lady Laid Bare~

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