Tomorrow, I’m expected at a big office, for a big company. Not for leisure, mind. I actually have a job interview. It has taken me two months to get to this point, and a further eight months to get anywhere near a life in the UK.
I think it’s time to plan.
I want to be positive and say that this job interview will go tickety-boo, and I’ll soon have a steady workplace. And, I am. I am going to inject tomorrow with positivity, because that’s who I am. I am the Barenaked Lady. I am a boundless vessel of positivity, waiting to burst.
I’m also scared, exited and empty and full at the same time.
Scared, because there are a lot of things coming up in my life that I need to carefully plan out. A job, fussy paperwork, stories, this blog, my sexpert/contributor articles, The Book…
But I can do it.
Excited because I’m finally in that place. That place where my head can switch off from years and years of accumulated bullshit and I can be me. It takes practice, and a hell of a lot of time.
And I’m okay with that.
Empty because I feel that there’s not a word about sex left in me. Even though I have so many things to write about, I don’t feel compelled to do so. I feel spent on words.
But it’s not a problem.
And full, because for the first time in my life, I can feel love. Passionate love, mad love, love for friends and family that will never ever die, even if I do. I breathe love. I am love.
And I love it.
So, what are the plans?
Ah. There’s the rub.
I need to start planning. Need to re-assess what I’m doing with my life and with this blog, even. The journey is at a cross-roads, I feel. Don’t read any subtext into this, mind. I’m not abandoning ship on this blog. Although I have to admit that it has crossed my mind.
I might take a little break soon. A tiny one. A breaklet. I keep saying that I want to take one, but I can’t tear myself away from here. This blog brings me so much joy that it’s hard to just let it take a breather for a bit.
Plans, plans, plans. I need to make them soon.