I don’t feel all that well today. To be honest, I’ve not been feeling very well for a while. It has its ups and downs, like anything in the world must have. But today is definitely a down day. Make no mistake. I have been productive, managing to do laundry, take a shower and make Christmas cards in the space of a morning. But productive doesn’t mean that I’m smiley.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep crying and I keep feeling miserable for no reason at all. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I’ve changed.
Nothing works. My brain doesn’t want to co-operate. I need to pick myself up before I fall into that hole again. And I need to define what it is that I want.
Last night, I was kept up by a flurry of thoughts about the past. About how much you change when you grow up and leave the nest that is high school. Suddenly the jokes you loved aren’t funny anymore. The people you knew drift away from you and you’re not sure if you mind. Change, change, change again.
It didn’t help that some twat horse’s car alarm went off for about an hour. I felt so tired, but wide awake.
I don’t feel stuck anymore, but there’s something different. Like I’m in limbo, waiting for answers to come.
I managed to analyze some of it. It’s not a lack of motivation that is keeping me from writing. It’s fear of failure and fear of being crippled by criticism. I don’t mind criticism and I take it to heart, but some things just render me incapable to do anything anymore. Am I mature enough to do this?
I am still motivated. There’s just something that’s not gelling in my head.
PS: Apologies for all the negativity on the blog. Rest assured, I will get out the sage and clear the air soon enough. x