This morning, I woke up with a dry mouth and an ache in my bones. I knew what it was. I hadn’t eaten properly in yonks and all I wanted was a decent meal and a two liter bottle of Coke to greedily consume.
I felt unable to do anything for hours. My now-frequent nightmares had freaked me the fuck out and I just wanted to get on with my day.
But then I started thinking. Bad things, dark things. I started thinking about death and loss. Losing people I care about is my greatest fear and I let myself get caught off-guard. It was triggered by the Doctor Who Tumblr. Every word made me break out in more tears. The loss of the Ponds and the words. Just the words.
I’ll be with him. Like I should be. Me and Rory together.
I’m going to pull time apart for you.
Together, or not at all.
It made me hurt. Ache. And I don’t even know what for. I just felt like something had died in me. Is it like that when you make a new start? Do you feel like something falls off your shoulders and like you’ve left behind so much?
But yet, I am winning. I’m bloody well winning this shiz, y’all. My life isn’t stable, by gods it is not. But I have left my shit behind and I have made a new start.
And however shitty it might feel to think about death, or loss or anything like that… Realize that you are alive. You are breathing and you are surviving. You are living and loving and my God, do you ever love with the passion of those two crazy ginger kids who traveled time and space to be together. You are mad. You are the Raggedy Man and the Oncoming Storm, and you feel like you are infinite.
Time is what we make of it. And I choose to spend it and live it to the fullest. No. Let me rephrase. I am chosing to BUST THAT SHIT RIGHT OPEN and spread my wings. I am the glitter goddess and when I am eighty and an aging theater queen of an erotica writer, I will look back on my life and remember nothing but the awesome shiz I did.
Last year, it was exactly ten years ago that I lost Nanna Boyd. She aged gracefully, and died not a week after I said to her “See you next time.”
Nanna Boyd is in my heart. And I know that she would want me to do what I’m doing right now. She might not always agree, she may frown and think I’m a bit off in the head. But she would be rooting for me every step of the way, damn it.
No more thinking about bad shit. No more self doubt and no more dark moments. I can’t promise all of that, but I can sure bust my proverbial nuts and be the queen I was born to be.
Apologies for getting slightly philosophical on you all. But that is how I feel.
Before I go, I want to share something with you all.
I was on the way back from Sainsburys just now, carrying some shopping as one is wont to do. In front of me was a guy with his headphones on. He was proper busting moves in the middle of the street and I couldn’t help smiling brightly.
And then he turned around. Saw me. And smiled back, equally bright. And I just thought.. fuck. He gets it too. He gets London.
My heart swelled. And I returned home in a brighter mood.