Year, End

2014 is peeking on the horizon and 2013 prepares to sneeze and regenerate into the next year (or at least, I think that’s how Matt Smith regenerated into Peter Capaldi…). I reckon now is as good a time as any to take stock and set goals for the next 12 months, especially as I plan to spend the dying days of this year doing absolutely fuck all. 

I read a couple of days ago that starting off a blog post with “I’m sorry I haven’t written that much” isn’t good form, but seriously, fuck that shit. I haven’t written that much this year. It’s just the truth.

For one thing, I wasn’t really in a good place for a long time. After coming back from Eroticon, I sort of stagnated. Something had cracked in my head, and I couldn’t bring myself to write any stuffing word of any story. It wasn’t writers block. I’ve come out of this year convinced that writers block doesn’t actually exist.

What it was, was a sense of defeat. A sense of not really understanding the changed ecosystem of the sex writing world, and not knowing my place in it. Don’t get me wrong. I took away a lot of positive things from that weekend, and met a lot of people whom I’ve come to absolutely adore having around.

There was however a lingering feeling of inadequacy, coupled with our changed living situation. Moving from a big house into a small room in a small house, and working in close proximity to our bed wasn’t really a catalyst for many productive moments – for either of us.

Neither was it a healthy environment to shag in. Hence the lack of blog posts (although it may not seem like a lack to you, it feels like one to me). Whenever sex did happen, it was good, but it always felt like there was something missing. That there was something making me tense and unable to fully give myself to him every time. And if you love someone, and desire someone as much as I do with ILB, that kind of jars.

But bless that man and his vegetarian boots. If anything, this difficult year has made me love him even more. He’s been a constant support, and we do work incredibly well together – we allow each other space when needed, we can bounce ideas off each other and I’ve grown to adore the bouts of geeky verbal sparring we get into. Sexually, we’re still in that process of getting to know what works, but I think we’ve sort of figured it out. Although, to be fair, my body has changed a lot and I’m also still trying to figure out what I can and can’t do. And that would be my first goal for the next year: get my body moving again and see what it can do now.

Second goal: actually set aside some couple-y time for myself and Himself – and reconnect, both sexually and… well, non-sexually.

Thirdly – saving up money for both a new living space and a weekend away in the summer. His parents have been utterly lovely and have kindly offered us to move in with them until we’re back on our financial and mental feet. Which could not have come at a better time – both of us are mostly broke and both of us are fed up with the various problems at our current place If you would like a summary, do ask me. I’d be happy to give you a detailed account on how I almost got electrocuted. I’ll even show you some pictures of the lovely mould that’s been accumulating in the corners of our room.

And finally – write. Write, edit, revise, write, send – repeat ad infinitum. 

I’ve got that zest back, that will to art harder (motherfucker) and just fucking go for it. So, I will.

I can’t tell you about everything that’s happened this year. Otherwise, I’d be writing this post for ages, and you’d be incredibly depressed by the end of it. All I am saying is that there was a bit more to it than you may have gathered from my posts and tweets in the past year. But I share with you what I choose to share. You don’t need to know everything. But what I do choose to tell you is almost always the truth. Except for when it’s a work of sizzling hot fiction from the recesses of my mind palace.

If you’ve stuck with this post until this bit, then you are brilliant. Hats off to you for sticking with me and my blog this year. I hope you continue to do so in 2014. Have a picture of a thing.



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1 Comment

  1. Hope all works out well. Great goals, they sound obtainable.


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