Tantrums of A Tumescent Nature – Meg Philip’s Book Launch

Meg Philip is a very dirty lady. Seriously, I’ve known the woman for three years now, and every time I hear her read from her work, I am amazed at just how brilliantly dirty (and fucking funny) she is.

So, when she invited me to come to the launch of her new book, I bloody well said yes. In fact, not only did I say yes; I signed up to be one of the other authors reading at the event, because it’s Meg Philip and she’s awesome.

Meg had expertly set up the launch for her third book (Monique’s Tumescent Tantrums) in what’s just about the closest thing to my spiritual home; Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium in Hoxton. She’d even arranged for Hummingbird Bakery cupcakes, for which I’m ever so grateful because they were lush and I had about nine of them.

To be fair, though, I was bricking it just a tiny bit. On top of being tired and not having practised my excerpt, I also had an ILB with me who was in the process of getting very ill indeed. That he even managed to stay upright during the evening was a little miracle to me.

(He’s been in bed the rest of the weekend though, bless him. Lemsip and cuddles.)

So, with a hint of trepidation, we zigzagged through the evening commuters at Liverpool Street and made our way to Sh!.

Needless to say, I really needn’t have worried.

After milling about in the shop for a while, I went downstairs to find Molly Moore getting laced into her corset by Mr. Signs. Familiar faces, thank god. I can’t honestly remember the last time I’d seen either of them, so it was a lovely (if unfortunately too brief) catch-up.

We were joined by Zak Jane Keir, and chatted about authorly things, as one does when one’s with other authors. We talked about the importance Eroticon had taken on in the erotic writing community, and how it felt like there was something missing – beyond Eroticon, there aren’t that many opportunities for the community to socialize and learn from each other.

Rest assured, plans were made.

The night itself was excellently emcee’d by a chap called Elliot, who held his own brilliantly. First up reading was a new face, named La’Toya Sparkles (amazing name, that) reading from her debut novel (called Assariyah: Money Over Everything). She did brilliantly for her first reading, and I really hope to see her at more events (hopefully she brings her friends along again; they were in the first row and brilliantly enthusiastic).

Then it was my own turn. I was reading an excerpt from a yet-to-be-published story, which involved masturbation, chocolate and a mention of bin gunge that I swear nearly lost me my erotic author card.

I reckon I did quite alright though. People seemed to like my story, and I didn’t drop dead (although I thought I might, because I had no breath left at the end of my 5 minutes). I hope that story does eventually get published. Fingers crossed. (And yes, as is custom at Sh! readings, I was duly punished for going over my five minutes with a spank on the bottom).

Molly was next, reading from her story Love To Hate (from Alison Tyler’s Twisted: Bondage With An Edge) which I thought was rather amazing. We had a little moment together, earlier on, where we were both fretting about spelling mistakes in already submitted (and published) stories, which I think every writer has had at some point. But Molly needn’t have worried, because she aced it.

You’ll have to excuse me, because my memory gets a little hazy at that point. Bullet points away!

  • So many cupcakes.
  • Zak reading a very inspired excerpt about a very slow train ride that turns naughty.
  • Dragon King’s Daughter arriving with phasers set to stun (that outfit though).
  • DKD then going on to read a poem she clearly knew by heart and fucking killing it because she’s stupendously amazing.
  • K D Grace having everyone in fits of laughter with her excerpt from Fulfilling the Contract, the sequel to The Initiation of Ms Holly.
  • Me actually uttering the words “I volunteer as Tribute” when Zak told Elliot that she would be delivering, not receiving the spanking.
  • Me getting said spanking.
  • ILB winning the rude joke contest and therefore winning a copy of Meg’s book.

And finally, our star of the night, Meg, reading a saucy excerpt from her book (and having the entire crowd in fits of laughter by doing a pitch-perfect, Yardie-accented bit of dirty talking).

As I said to ILB, while walking back to the station: “I think I needed that.”

He agreed. “We both needed that.”

And I think we both hope to have a lot more of “that” (sex writing community time)  in the months to come.

Thanks to Meg for letting me read (you absolute star), thanks to Sh! and Fink Unlimited for hosting the night and thanks to all the lovely people who showed up/read stories.

And, hey, this week I wrote about voicing it and reading to a public at the lovely Kay Jaybee’s blog.


“… Put Your Hands All Over My Body…”

There’s something rather haunting about the Tobacco Dock. If you’ve been there, you’ll know what I mean. When you go through the gate(-y sort of thing) and see the pirate ships, the water, the brick and stone and the mysterious building that houses so many hidden corridors, it’s like entering a time vortex. You half expect to be whisked away to some kind of fantasy netherworld, or a tense thriller in which an unseen entity chases you through the entire building.

What you don’t really expect is buff men in skimpy shorts and a naked lady with her more delicate parts covered in sushi.

And this is the part where I tell you that I’d never been to Erotica before. I didn’t even know it existed, until last year, when it wasn’t on. By coincidence, ILB won double tickets for the full three days (courtesy of the folks at Bondara, for which many thanks), so on a windy Saturday afternoon (ehm, yesterday, actually) we chanced the weather and followed the flock of people streaming from Shadwell to the aforementioned Tobacco Dock.

Here follows a list of Nice Things Wot Happened At Erotica:

  • Running into Lucy Felthouse (and giving her a massive hug, because she’s fucking awesome) about three minutes after arriving, prompting me to exclaim “Thank God, my people are here!”
  • Catching up with the other Smutters in attendance, seeing Victoria Blisse and meeting Toni and Aoife, who were ever so nice.
  • Vegan raw chocolate cake, which was bloody amazing.
  • The knowledge that Gaz From Geordie Shore (a person of whom I didn’t realize the existence until yesterday) calls his cock a “parsnip” – which, on the whole, I could have easily done without.
  • The naked sushi lady.
  • The designated puppy play area, which was a stroke of genius.
  • The amazing, and absolutely bonkers variety of outfits on show.
  • The Glamour Zone, where you could go and say hi to a variety of adult stars and glamour models – all of them lovely, funny and very game for a chat.
  • Special mention to the amazingly geeky lady in the pvc Star Trek costume manning the Cosplay Babes stand – I didn’t catch your name, but you were one of the highlights of my day.
  • Being able to catch up with Annie and Stu.
  • Stu effortlessly out-awesomeing Johnny Depp in the dandy fashion stakes.
  • The ladies from Total E-Bound.
  • Getting my paws on a copy of Smut By The Sea 2 for myself, and getting to sign a copy for someone else (whoever you are, I really hope you liked my story).
  • The bondage bed contraption thingamagog, which made about three people (including me) go “…Blimey.” at the same time.
  • The glorious fact that the buff gentlemen in the tuxedo-boxers milling about near the Bondara stand were due to be auctioned off as slave butlers later in the day (and the remorse that came later about not taking advantage of this change- it was only a quid!)
  • KD Grace reading the “breakfast with Tino” scene from The Pet Shop to the passing crowd.
  • Kristina Lloyd, who I didn’t get to catch up with properly, which annoys me, but she’s always fabulous and gorgeous.

There were downsides to it though. The food wasn’t great. The drinks were ridiculously expensive. We kept going in circles, always ending up in the room where the Television X booth was situated. The corporate air of the whole thing. And the fact that I was so shitting tired at the end of the day that I was ready to go to bed at 7PM.

Would I go again next year? I’m not sure. As I mentioned, it was very corporate, and it certainly doesn’t need to run for three days, because you could easily do the entire shebang in one (minus the shows).

But it was kinda cool, I guess. Just kicking myself in the shins a bit for not joining in with the Smutters crew.


Charming at the Sh! Poetry and Reading Slam

I read in front of an audience and didn’t die a thousand deaths, hurrah! Here’s what happened. (behind the jump for length, ooh matron)


In The Flesh And Out The Spirit

The four of us walked down the stairs and into the Alley Cat Bar And Club. My first thought was that it looked way tinier than I’d reckoned. It immediately put me at ease, because surely if the place was that small, fewer people would come and see me bumble.

It was my first erotic reading. At the first edition of In The Flesh London, no less. ILB held my hand and reassured me that it was going to be tip top. He ran over my story with me, telling me when to pause and when to be slow. Bunny White (fresh from The States) and Dorian Silver were also there, offering support and being incredibly good eggs about it all. Before the show, we’d met up and gone to Bella Italia to eat, drink and talk geeky stuff.

I was the third and last to read, so I had some time to listen to Liz Coldwell read about a hot werewolf and KD Grace talking dirty about breakfast. And then it was my turn.

I got up there, introduced myself and started reading my story.

And I fucking nailed it.

I think.

Afterwards, I did need a stiff drink. The event concluded with a performance by Moorita Encantada, who teased a snippet of a burlesque play she and KD collaborated on.

Later on, we ended up at FOPP, getting DVDs for ourselves. Even later on, we ended up on Westminster Bridge, where I cried because I didn’t fathom how the night could have gone so well.

Disappointingly, no dinosaurs were spotted on Westminster Bridge. The Nestene Conciousness was also nowhere to be seen.

Anyway. Here’s to many more of those readings. Skoll, I say.