Woman of Leisure, Woman of Pleasure

So, I was thinking. It’s been a while since I indulged you in a tale from the bedroom, right? Well, that’s because I’ve been living like an unusually chaste nun for the entire duration of my holiday. But I’m home. And coincidentally, I, as recently as this afternoon, experienced something quite lovely. In the bedroom.

You all know where this is leading, right?

Right. On y’ vache.

I woke up unusually early this morning. Like, 9 am early. I was convinced that someone was calling for me, so you can imagine the dissapointment when, upon arriving downstairs, no-one was in immediate need of my company. Bollocks.

I know this all sounds quite boring. But stay with me here. It gets good.

As the cleaning lady and mum worked on mum’s room upstairs, I (as is my wont) started fumbling with my right nipple. Sometimes, just for giggles, I try to get myself to have a nipple-gasm. It never really works.

Apart from today.

The pure ecstasy from just… touching and teasing my nipple was just brilliant. I felt that familiar electric buzz shoot through my cunt, through my belly and right through to my breasts. It was perfect arousal.

And it also warrented my first ever attempt at a dangerwank.

A dangerwank, for those of you that do not know of this delight, is a sneaky wank when you are at risk of getting caught or being strapped for time. Since the cleaning lady and mum were upstairs, I figured I could risk it.

I slid my hand down my pants and carefully started frigging myself. However, the least bit of noise in the general vicinity of the stairs made me leap up and retreat. I realized soon enough that, just this once, it wasn’t worth risking.

Horny, and deciding to make the best of it, I delved into my already crinkly copy of “Yes Man” by Danny Wallace (which I managed to finish a few hours later). Unfortunately, I am still suffering from post-holiday-theft-frenzy-fatigue and it hit me this afternoon. I decided to have a lie-down.

A very sexy lie-down involving my lovely pink g-spot vibrator…

I soon decided that, seeing as no-one could hear me, I could go all out and have a very leisurely wank, naked and wet and open wide. Well, not exactly naked. The tank top was kept on.

In the process of rubbing my g-spot raw, I noticed something pretty amazing. I can now actually see my pussy whilst lying down! Wehey! That meant I got full and glorious view of my swollen clit for the first time, without using a mirror! Success!

It was a good day for squirting, by the way. Fingers made way for the nubby curve on the vibrator, which I pressed in hard. And… well, yeah. I really, really, really wish some prick hadn’t stolen my camera. The sight was…. truly epic. It was weird to keep going like this. After… what, four or five major gushes, I was pretty exausted. I still managed a pretty epic orgasm though. One that left me completely and utterly paralyzed for a good few minutes.

My clit wanted more, because of course. But after a few cautious frigs, I realized that my body was rebelling. I got dressed, studied the wet spot (and did a little “WHOAAAAAH”) and crawled under the covers for a nap.

As I said, I later finished “Yes Man”. With still-wet thighs.

Did I mention I kinda missed this wanking thing? It makes me excited to try out the new rabbit vibrator I won. If only I could still find it!

I shall close on this chapter of the bedroom tales with a note. Every delegate at Eroticon was given a 50 pound Lovehoney voucher, and I used mine last night. As of next week, I will be the proud owner of a FunFactory Bootie (My First Buttplug™) and a shiny Lelo Ella….

Aural Sex

One of my favorite ways to spend the evening is by lying in bed, listening to my i-Pod. After finally finding my missing charger, I settled in for such a night, listening to podcasts old and new.

I listen to the Daisy Danger podcast. Daisy is a writer and sexual bon-vivant, with a voice that can make any man, woman or whatnot spontaneously jizz themselves. When she told the story about her lover Jay eating her out whilst she was on her period, something stirred in me. So naturally, the pants came off.

This is basically the tell-all sign that I’m about to have a wank. Pants off, dance off. For those of you about to wank, we salute you.

It gets hazy from here. I remember getting TPT out and furiously fucking myself with it. I was wet already. Which I assume is Ms Danger’s fault…

All I can remember from the experience itself is a haze of fingers, TPT and wetness all over. Gushing, writhing…

Then, I did something dangerous.

I wrapped my hand around my throat and pushed down. Only for a few seconds, but it did help me get over the edge. It was a fucking great orgasm.

Later, as I got out of bed to put my pants back on (which, try as I might, but I still can’t do it in the dark) I pulled back the sheets to inspect if I had actually gushed.

Now, I should explain that I get incredibly smug about wet spots. I look at them and just think, “Yeah, I did that.”

I wished I had my camera with me, because it was a good one. My damp thighs were another piece of vital evidence.

(author’s note: I would like to point out that I don’t normally engage in asphyxiation during masturbation. It’s dangerous if you don’t know how to and I won’t do it again anytime soon. I don’t even know why I did it. It was a reflex that I can’t explain.)

So, I lay there, spent, listening to whatever it was. Aural sex. It’s there and it exists.

A note to end on: it was so fucking cold in my room that I wore my cardigan all the way through. Fuck winter.


Midnight Delight

So, happy New Year, my dear reader. Welcome to Lady Laid Bare, edition 2012. I hope you enjoy this journey even more in the new year and continue to follow me.

Now, I’ve been thinking long and hard how to sing in the new year on this blog. And I came to the conclusion that there is no better way to do so than to recount the story of my first orgasm of the year…

Last night, mere hours after the proverbial ball dropped, I lay on my bed, watching Michael Palin’s Sahara (not that this was particularily arousing mind…). After not getting off for nearly a month, I considered my options.

I indulged in masturbation the day before, as a way to end my year properly. And I wanted more.

The arousal-induced grabbing of Grey was a quick one. I’m pretty sure I knocked something over in the process.

The first blip of Grey’s vibrations on my clit was a pleasant one. And I soon found that I needed to combine that with fingers inside me.

So, I took off my pyjama bottoms.

And I frigged my g-spot.

The orgasm that followed was pretty… well… something. No squirting, but no matter. I’m sure I’ll achieve that somewhere this year.

It did cause something very pleasant.

I decided to go for it. Took my top off and slept naked. And it was the most divine sleep I had ever had.

The soft duvet felt like feathers on my skin. And I felt at peace.

And I want to keep that feeling for the next 365 days. And beyond. Today is a new start. Today is good.


Happy New Year, dear reader. Once again, my best wishes.


xx Jilly

Once, Twice, Thrice

After I discovered that Courtney Trouble was celebrating the 1 year anniversary of Queer Porn TV with a free day, I didn’t hesitate once.

So many luscious scenes… But I knew immediately which one I wanted to see. Judging from a clip on Queer Porn Tube, Maggie Mayhem and Ned’s scene was going to be a scorcher. So, I watched it the first time. And bloody bloody hellkins….

First of all, both Maggie and Ned are hot. Just… GAH! Bejeesh, that is one scorching pair. Second, underneath that blue suit and tie, Ned is hiding a bloody hot body!

Third, I don’t know if I understood it correctly, but having Ned ask Maggie to play with him like a sex object… I think it triggered something positively primal in me.

Unfortunately, the scene came to a close, with a close up of Ned’s wayward tie on the floor (which, GENIUS). So, I watched some other scenes. I wanted to see Jiz Lee and Papi Coxxx’s tryst, but unfortunately, my computer had other plans…

Another highlight was Dylan Ryan (perfect as Butch Friday) and Tina Horn getting their kink on. And Scout and Courtney herself were brilliant and very cute (“I normally don’t fuck on the first date…” – Scout).

But, as I went on, I knew that I wanted Maggie and Ned again. So, I cued that one up and watched it.

And I was wet.

And for the life of me, I have no idea what happened next, but I just fingerfucked myself, both g-spot and clit at the same time. Fuck, I screamed into my pillow again. I was incredibly horny.

And I came.

After a few seconds of recovery, I went in for the kill again, trying out my usual double orgasm combo. I don’t really remember what I did, other than rubbing just above my clit, where it felt like a little bone.

And I came.

Whilst Ned and Maggie were sexing it up big time (btw, using a Hitachi on a man’s cockhead is a fit of genius), I considered my options. Either watch the scene till it was over, or just… yeah, just finger myself again.

And after a truly epic effort, for my fingers and my cunt were both on the verge of exhaustion, I came again!

I broke my own record for most orgasms in one night! I even squirted at one point! I’m completely exhausted as I’m typing this and am afraid that if I fall asleep now, I’ll only wake up on Tuesday!

Once, twice, three times, no lady 🙂

Sexual at 6am

You would think that staying up till 6 am, and even later, would render someone completely incapable of producing a coherent sentence, let alone masturbate.

Yeah, not me.

I engaged in some flirty words with a friend this morning. Combined with a hint of Queer Porn Tube, it was enough to drive me utterly batty.

On this occasion, I felt a strong need to finger my g-spot. Which I did. And it was completely worth it. It felt quite intense and the strain it put on my fingers was quite bad, but I carried on for some time, until my hand was in danger of dropping off and walking out on me.

Rock Chick came into play, despite not having a reputation for making me come like a nutter. But I found a decent angle. And I came like a nutter. I don’t quite remember how I did it though.

No squirting, but still, a fucking awesome orgasm. And at least I’m now positive about where my g-spot is. And, always good, I was too worn out to squeeze in a second orgasm, like I normally do these days.

These second orgasms are so different. Like being on the fastest rollercoaster in the world and plunging down.

I knew it was intense last night. I screamed into my pillow. Several times. Fuck, I sounded like an animal.

At one point, a genius idea crossed my mind. I’m asking a Lelo Ella for my birthday.

After all of that, my mind was blissfully empty. So empty that I fucking slept till 4.30 pm. Yeah, that was quite failtacular.

 (artwork by Milo Manara, from the Tumblr of Curvaceous Dee)

Hello Lover

As most of you lovely readers know, I am a single. Free as a bird, free to flutter round and round and such. I have no lover. Or so I thought.

I’m reading Ev’Yan Nasman’s Sex Love Liberation: A Manifesto for the Bold at Heart (which I’ll be reviewing, once I’m finished), and I had quite a profound thought whilst reading it.

Isn’t everyone their own lover in some way? Doesn’t everyone occasionally indulge in a moment of play with themselves, like they would with lovers? (Silly theory, I know.)

I did, last night. Or Very Early O’Clock this morning, if you like.

I wasn’t all that aroused physically, but mentally, I was raring to get myself off. Doing what I usually do, I turned down the lights, put on a dvd (ehm… embarrassingly enough, it was It Ain’t Half Hot Mom, series 2, which is not a turn-on, but it makes for good background noise) and pulled my shorts down. And then I decided to take them off. And my underpants, as always.

Unusually so, my t-shirt followed. So, naked wank, which I rarely do and which usually means that it will be a very leisurly wank, with loads of touching and massaging my tits and pinching my nipples.

I applied lube and loads of it, and began my little wanking session, the usual way. God, I don’t do this enough. I always forget how it feels to have that vibrator inside me, and occasionally thrust with it. It doesn’t really do anything, but I like it. I coupled it with some fingering of my G-Spot.

But then I accidentally dropped the vibe (the Pin, in case you were wondering) and it got hair and lint on it (I need to clean my fucking room). I cleaned it and decided to use something else instead.

You know that moment when you discover every sex toy you own has died on you except for the one you consider to be shit? Yeah, that.

Slim Jim is dead. London Bullet is dead. Digger is dead.

So, what else was I to do but get Rock Chick out?

I inserted it, and pushed down on it a bit, so that the vibrations would hit better. And to my utter delight, it worked! I played around with it a bit, rubbing my G-Spot with it, and eventually turned it in a way I could use it the way I’m used to (fingers on the clit, vibe inside).

And it was the most satisfying orgasm I had in a while.

Afterwards, I took it out, but realised that I wasn’t sated. So, I started fingering my clit and within minutes, I felt the pleasure hit me, but in a very different way.

It was so hard to describe. A rush-like sensation, that made me feel quite high.

And now, I’m about to do it again. Because I’m just that horny.

I am my own lover. For now.


Not the movie. The sound of my juices gushing out of my cunt.

I don’t blog about my masturbation sessions anymore, mainly because I tend to forget all about them the next day. So, here is an update on stuff I do in the bedroom these days.

First of all, YES!!!! I have succeeded in finding my G-Spot. The day I finally found it, I was seeping wet and very aroused. I decided to poke around a bit and found an elevated, thick sort of spot, so I kinda figured this was what I had been looking for all along, going from the various descriptions of it I have heard.

Rubbing it, I found it to be pleasure of a different kind. It’s kinda hard to describe in any other way than intense.

I tried it about three or four times now, and one time, I had a kind of weird experience. I don’t quite know what to make of it, since I don’t know what a vaginal orgasm feels like, but I assume that was what was happening.

The last time I masturbated was a good one. I turned to my old friend, my dvd of Chemistry 3 and this time, after watching the entire first disc, I felt incredibly aroused. You can thank Steven St. Croix ORSUM and quite impressive cumshot in his scene with Jada Fire for that.

I popped in disc two, on a mission. I knew exactly which scene I wanted to see: Steven and Roxy DeVille, on the couch. Now, this scene tickles my fancy for one reason in particular. Steven St. Croix not only has THE coolest penis in the bizz, his orgasms are EPIC, especially in this scene.

I did miss most of the scene because it was the first time in a long time I was really into what I was doing. It was good, there was some squirting action, which I liked.

In terms of sex toys I have bought, the collection now included: Pin, Defective Pinky, Digger (which has apparently been taken out of production, so I own one of the last ones!), Rock Chick (the Rocks-Off G-Spotter, which does bog-all for me), (the late) Slim Jim and the Rocks-Off bullet I bought in London. I also have the flogger I don’t use and an AMAYZING lace fan I bought at Ann Summers. And the two porn movies I bought, and Tracey Cox’s Supersex, which I keep in my toy chest for good measure.

And yes, I gave all my vibes nicknames. ‘Cept for the bullet. Oh dear, and my prize from the Erotic Meet raffle (a cock ring, which I have no use for whatsoever).

Generally, I’ve been experiencing little specs of awesome. One of those was started by Tristan Taormino’s call for reviewers on Twitter. I applied to review her new G-Spot book, never expecting to get a mail back from her… but, fuck me, I did! A short, sweet mail, telling me that she would send the book as soon as they were available. So, expect a review of that coming up in the next few months.

I’ve also been published on Eden Café! The Perpetual Single Ugly One is my first article of hopefully many. So, if you like my stuff and want me to do a guest post or something, let me know, and we’ll sort it out!

Red is moving along quite nicely, although the story doesn’t seem to be going fast enough for me. I’m working on chapter/part 22 now, but that isn’t quite going to plan. I seem to be losing the will to write it. I could use some cheerleaders on team Boyd.

I’m reading He’s Just Not That Into You, recommended by Lady Grinning Soul. (Go and read her, she’s truly awesome and frank and writes about stuff you wouldn’t dare.) It’s quite a cool book so far, and I would recommend it to anyone who’s still stuck in that dating netherworld of insecurities.

Anyway, that was a truly un-sexy ending to something that was supposed to be sexy.

So, have a picture, I guess?

Honey, I forgot my orgasm…

I want to write a mind-blowing post about my masturbation marathon yesterday…

Thing is, I kinda forgot most of it.

It started on Saturday, when my mum unexpectedly asked (ok, brutishly woke me up by screaming) me to go to Brussels for a day of shopping. Now Brussels has a very special place in my heart. I love our capital, our political hub. It’s a very exciting city, filled with culture and excitement and hookers and that. I went to school there! I love it. Through all that political shit and the racism that seems to be a stable in Belgium, Brussels holds up. And I love that.

But enough with the promotional kibbitsch about Brussels. Fact is, we went there. Strolled down Rue Neuve and bought some nice clothes.

Now, I love going to Brussels for two things: one, it has the only branch of Waterstones in Belgium. Two, it has sex shops.


I didn’t make it to Waterstones, but I did hit the sexshops.

First one I went into was one I hadn’t been to before. And probably never will again. Don’t get me wrong, the sheer volume of the stock in the little store was impressive. But I saw a sight that scared me to the deep inner of my core.

A dong dildo.

I know, I know… but it wasn’t your bog-standard one. This particular dong dildo, when measured, could be compared to the distance from the tip of my toes to my kneecap. And it was thick too! How do you get THAT inside you?

Anyway, I left the store as briskly as I came in, and went into my trustworthy source for sex toys. I left with a basic G-Spot toy and a movie.

Fast forward to last night. I have no idea how long it took for me to actually start masturbating, but it was fucking long. I spent most of last night studying the toy. Which is useless because it looks like this:

So there is really nothing particularily eye-catching about it.

Anyway, I put on the movie (and I shall only mention the title one more time: Feeling It (Not Faking it) by Petra Joy) and tried to absorb it. The movie was nice enough, and I got into it, but the masturbating was horrid.

Started with just the Slim G (which I shall call “Slim Jim” or “Jim” from now on) and immediately hit the g-spot. AGAIN, it wasn’t what I expected. Now, the rest of the details are sketchy. I’ll give you what I do remember.

I remember thrusting like my life depended on it.

I remember getting Digger out for clit stimulation.

I remember inserting Digger and using Jim for my clit.

I remember thinking about a very sexy story I read on a certain someone’s website.

I remember the first gush. That went all over my arm.

I remember the salty taste.

Then, there is a blank.

Last thing I remember is furiously frigging myself with my fingers on my clit and Jim inside me. And then, cumming and gushing and sweating after about an entire fucking hour…

The satisfaction was incredible.

The 98 tweets waiting for me after I returned from cloud Orgasm, were also incredible.

To end this post, I wanted to post a picture of an example of a huge dong dildo… but I give you one advice. Never ever google “huge dong dildo”. It’s disturbing.

Mole in the Hole

So, I told you about my latest attempt to further my research on the subject matter of squirting and g-spot business. Well, I’m happy to report that tonight, I got ABSOLUTELY ZILCH result. 

I’m going to back up for a minute and take you to our trip to the sex shop. Embarassingly enough, my dad drove us there. He smelled like shaved lamb, which was disgusting. I asked to go to the shop alone, because I didn’t like my dad meddling with this particularily delicate transaction, but get this. My dad wanted to go with me to protect me from potential perverts who want to feel me up.  

It’s a sex shop dad! Not Stringfellow’s!

Eventually he agreed on my mum going with me, which, always the best option. He went to get something to eat, as we toddled off to the shop. The guy behind the counter was very nice and not at all a creepy perv. He very generously selected his best lube and toycleaner for me (Pjur, awesome, also used in films). I picked a red version of the Dinky Digger.

Also purchased was, as mentioned in the last post, Chemistry Volume 3. More on that later. Anyway, in the meanwhile, it started fucking raining outside, and we got soaked. Ate a panini.

I quickly retreated to my room and popped in the film. Laughed my little arse off. Enamoured with Roxy DeVille and Jada Fire. Derrick plays World of Warcraft! (or Dungeons and Dragons, I already forgot)

Midway into the second scene, Digger came out. I lubed it up and inserted it. IT HURT! I thought the pleasure was going to come from the perky nose, but there are more details on it, like the flower it’s holding and the dirt it’s popping out from, and that shit hurt! Thrusting was not pleasurable.

However, I did squirt without cumming. Which was nice, because I had a towel at hand. I had to bring in the trusty Pin, and let it sit on my clit for a while. After about seven years of thrusting, wriggling and everything but the donkey, I put the pin inside me and put the perky nose on my clit and after seven more years (all of them shitty) I came. Briefly. It was meh.

I now fucking hate every single vibrator that is not the Pin.

I’m going to chill out, catch up on Popstar to Operastar, and not think about masturbating.

Slaughter O


I might have just, maybe, a little bit,.. ok, I masturbated again. And now I have the hickups. And I’m sweating, and I feel rubbish and my specs are foggy.

Yes, I squirted again. I sounded like a donkey in heat when I came.

I was just too horny for my own good. I stuck the Pin inside me and just ploughed my clit. It took me a little longer to cum, but I powered through. And I slaughtered myself to orgasm.

Happy Easter, everyone. Have some choccie and wonderful gifts. I’m going to get me a drink. And shut down my laptop, because it is becoming scorching hot.

Barthez out