Unhealthy Habits Die Hardest

It was Sunday afternoon and as we stepped onto the pavement outside Camden Town tube station, I immediately became aware of two things.

One: Everyone in Camden operates in an entirely different head space than the people in the rest of London.


Now, I have to shamefully confess that (apart from a brief pass-by for some administrative mumbo-jumbo back in December) I had never been to Camden before. I was not prepared for this. At all.

But, undeterred by my gasps and shrieks of wonder, ILB lead me to a lovely vegan café looking out over Camden Lock. We were there to celebrate a birthday, and although I didn’t really know the person we were celebrating, I was curious about vegan food. I have a few health fanatics on my timeline on the Twitter and for weeks, I couldn’t really figure out whether kale crisps were a good thing or an abomination on to the Lord.

As we ordered our healthy food, I pondered what exactly was in a spanakopita. Was I basically condemning myself to eat something that would taste like soil?

Turns out, not at all. The spanakopita was actually quite nice. So was the hazelnut cake I ate afterwards. And the free samples of raw granola and (yes, indeedy) kale crisps.

I went away thinking that I could do this. I could eat healthy and I could live healthy and I’d have more stamina to do the things I like. Like sex. And sex.

The rest of our time spent in Camden was in parts amazing and overwhelming. He took me to a comic book shop, which I loved. Then we went around Camden Market and I discovered that nobody gives a toss about smoking weed in the open.

After a brief foray into CyberDog (ohmygod), I politely requested to go home because the fumes did more bad than good. Still, it made the crepe I had taste extra nice.

On the way home I swayed. And eventually, I ended up eating a huge bowl of pasta and cheese sauce. Because unhealthy habits die hardest, I guess. Still, I reckon I can be swayed for another visit to that café.

What can I say? Kale crisps are really nice…


Expat V Naps

I`m tired.

Which is about the jest of this entire post. And I mean it too. My entire body clock is messed up to the tune of midday naps.

Those aren`t fun. Today, I woke up feeling good about myself and happy to work on a story I had started. Once I finished that story, I went offline to make myself lunch and watch stuff I`d recorded on our Sky Plus.

At some point, I fell asleep.

Waking up four hours later with my mouth wide open and a scratchy throat.

This is somewhat ridiculous. I get enough sleep. I`m in bed at impossibly early hours, and I wake up at impossibly early hours. Why do I feel the need to waste four hours on shut-eye?

It would be worse if I wanked. Oh yes, seeing as wanking is now such an exhausting try that I need a lie down with myself from having a lie down with myself.

The only solution I see at the moment is connecting me to a caffeine IV for the rest of my life. Which reminds me that I desperately need a coffee.

I used to be a fan of naps. They were a nice addition to my day and I couldn`t get enough of crawling up under a nice fluffy blanket and letting myself drift off to the Land of the Nap Nod. Now, I hate them. They hamper my productivity and fuck me up spatially.

Now, if you`ll excuse me, I need coffee.

All The Right Places

I’ve not been sex-writing an awful lot as of late, but I really feel like I shouldn’t apologize for that. My life is a bit shit right now, and I just can’t write on command, not even when I command myself.

I’ve been overthinking things too much. Small, silly things like the layout of this blog. Should I change it? Should I switch it up? Should I update my link list? Should I write more of this or more of that?

And things like: should I really move to the UK? Why don’t I move to the States, start a career as a writer/queer porn performer ? Why do I try to make other people’s lives better when I really should look after myself? Should I still bother with the mess at home? Should I eat better so I don’t get sugar rushes anymore? Should I… Could I….Why do I?

I don’t know anymore.

I just want this year to be over, so I can start again. And then, maybe I’ll be in the right places, see the right faces and just be able…

well, to live, I guess.

Anger Never Dies

I never really held a song lyric close to my heart. Songs a-plenty, right. But just to hear that one word, that one sentence that resonates with you for that moment and a long time afterwards…

It’s called “Anger Never Dies”, by Hooverphonic. The lyric is “anger never dies, it’s part of life, it’s part of you”.

And it’s the bloody truth. I’m a bit of an optimist at my best. I try to make everyone around me happy.

But in my worst and darkest moments, I am filled with anger. I can go off on an incredibly lengthy tangent about what’s angering me today.

And you know what? Fuck it, I am. A mini-tangent, mind. Warning, there’s anger.

I am incredibly angry and upset at the degree of sex education in the world. Teaching abstinence and scaring kids into not living their normal lives is really not the way to go. I want to grab those teachers by the scruff of their necks and yell sense into them. But I know they won’t listen. And I hate that.

I am incredibly angry at myself because I can’t even provide comfort for my friends, let alone for myself. I just feel like providing virtual hugs is not enough. And comforting myself is seemingly impossible, because I have no fucking clue how to other than sticking crisps in my mouth and jerking off. And I hate that even more.

I’m angry because I bloody well know what I’m capable off, but I just don’t know how to achieve that.

I’m angry because I don’t know how to get what I want.

And I’m absolutely furious at every single thing that goes wrong.

Anger never dies indeed. I can feel it all the time, in my bones, in my chest, deep in my heart, and it makes me want to scream my lungs out.

It’s part of me.

But there is one difference. I am no longer the angry young kitten that started this blog. I’m a panther. And I will get you. One day, I swear I will conquer all my demons and have the life I want.

Without anger.


Thanks to Shelby Cross who I hope will give me absolution now.

Community Stealing

This week, Sunday Stealing gets a bit grim, asking if you feel we’re all going to hell somewhere next year. But of course, I have a witty comeback for you all to enjoy.

1. As a blogger, what do you draw inspirations from for your posts?

Sex and the world around me. My own life and my quest to find myself.

2. If you could swap blogs with another blogger for a post, who would you switch with and why?

I would swap with anyone. But @Mollysdailykiss would be high on my list, because she’s such an amazing writer.

3. If your blog had a theme song, what would it be? Why?

Ehehe! That’s a wonderful question! It would have to be Rock and Roll Nerd by Tim Minchin. Anything by the Minch would work.

Laid, by James would also work. That or Born of Frustration.

4. What is your writing process for a post?

Start from a picture, think about what story would go with that picture and just go.

Or little things, like song lyrics and things I hear. That makes for a good basis for a post.

5. Your blog requires a cute, new, mascot – what would it be?

I have three! A tiny Buddha head, Harry Judd the Moomin and my new addition, Mr Cookie (a stuffed version of the Gingerbread Man from Shrek)

6. Do you feel you express your “true self” on your blog?

Most of me is in this blog. I feel like I don’t express my “true self” enough in real life!

7. What is your biggest online pet-peeve?

When you go to certain porn sites, you get these annoying pop-ups and that is just horrible.

8. If you could live in a fictional universe, where would you live? Why?

I want to live in the London I portray in my stories. I want to just walk down the street and have lunch at Sarios (from “Red”) or grab a drink at Miles’s bar (from “Little Stories”). Listen to Tim’s musical stylings together with Jem (from “Piano Man”) and wake up next to Graham, knowing that I can be the one to change him (from “A Dirty Kind of Grace”)

Why? I just want to live in my own head.

9. You’re having a bad day, you’re upset, you’re angry, or you’re sad – what is your go-to comfort?

The laptop. Twitter. This blog. The duvet.

10. What is your favorite inspirational quote?

11. If they were to make a movie based on your life, who would play you, your leading lady/man, your best friend, and your rival?

Eve Myles from Torchwood would play me, but with ginger hair, Matthew Gray Gubler would be my leading man, Tim Minchin my best friend and my intellectual rival would be Sir Stephen of Fry. We’d be friends in the end though.

12. Do you think the world is going to end in 2012?

No. I choose not to believe in a bunch of mentalists. And I have too bloody much to live for.

13. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?

I’d change my breasts. I just don’t know how they can get any smaller!

And I’d change my neuroses.

14. What is your favorite season and why?

Spring! Just the right amount of warmth, sensuality in the air…. gorgeous.

Spring rain is amazing.

15. You’ve been bitten by a vampire. Would you fight it with all your undead being or would you embrace it for all it is worth?

I don’t know how to answer that. Depends on which Vamp-Verse we’re in. If this was True Blood, I’d embrace it if the vampire in question doesn’t change me. If this was Twilight, I’d fight it.

16. Have you personally met any of your blogger friends?

A whole bunch of them!

17. What does your favorite pair of underwear look like?

I don’t have one at the moment, but I might come back to that in a few weeks or months time. Stay tuned!

18. Have you ever drank something right from the container in the refrigerator knowing other people will have to drink out of the same container later?

Not that I can recall!

19. What is your favorite word and explain why?

Regular readers of this blog know my affinity with the word Schadenfreude. It’s such a sexy word! I don’t know why, really. Just the sound. And the meaning. I have to confess that I do like a bit of reality tv-induced Schadenfreude.  

20. 2011 is soon coming to a close, is there anything you’d like to do different on your blog in the year 2012?

I’d like to do more opinion pieces and more fiction series. I’d love to pick up Piano Man in the new year and make Dirty Kind of Grace into a novel. Red needs a whole bunch of editing, but I think I could make it work.

Comfort and…

There are days when you feel alive. When getting out of bed alone is an absolute joy, because you just can’t wait to own this day and kick it in the balls. I thrive on those days, because I know I’m at my most productive then.

And there are days when you’re weary. When you don’t want to face life, and find that the only comfort you are getting is from the heavy duvet covering the body that feels like it isn’t yours anymore.

Those days are for lying in the dark. For leaving off your glasses so the world around you is a blur. For living on packs of McCoy’s Flame Grilled Steak crisps and zoning out from whatever is playing on your television.

Time stands still in that moment. Either that, or it rushes on without you being fully aware of it.

It’s the worst and most toxic kind of comfort. Because at some point, you’ll have to face the world again and show the cracks.

But I know that people will still love me, cracks and all. And I’m ridiculously grateful for it.

Here’s a funny picture of kitties. For those who need cheering up.

Case of the Mondays

I fell asleep on my bed at 5 pm last night. And I woke up at 1 am. Just goes to show how rubbish this weekend was, apart from the new vibrator.

So, Monday now. And I’ve got a massive case of the Mondays. I started two new shorts yesterday, and I can’t seem to focus on more wordage. However, there are plans budding on a car sex themed anthology between me and a few friends, which sounds like an excellent challenge to take up.

Dad is going to the neurologist today, so we might soon get answers on his condition. He’s been riling up my grandmother again, telling her that we don’t like him and that we want him out of our house. I can’t stand when he does that. My grandmother is fiercely protective of him, and will get mighty angry when he says stuff like that.

So, I haven’t reported back on the vibrator yet?

Well, there are three speeds: quick, insanely quick and clit-numbingly quick. Of course, only clit-numbingly quick can get me where I want. Long story short, my cunt actually hurt afterwards. And I had an incredible orgasm. Which my mum heard. We had a laugh about it, and she told me she didn’t mind.

I am still considering doing something in queer porn. The idea of modelling for No Fauxxx in particular has kindled an interest in me. I don’t know why I want to do queer porn, though. Other than that I love it and that I’m keenly interested in getting it further out there where it belongs.

The Poet and I have been exchanging saucy messages. We want each other. Badly. If only I could just teleport to London.

Actually, that would be cool. Like in Charmed, orbing towards wherever you want to be.

I can’t face Christmas. It’s like that one thing that’s keeping me from January and another month of Erotic Meet madness. I want to conk out on the couch and watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show over and over again until after the New Year.

I hope my dad doesn’t forget my lovely queer porn film. I’ll repeat IT HAS JIZ LEE IN IT. THEY’RE HOT!

I’m over my feelings of patricide from the weekend. Now, it’s just annoyance. I’m not getting into his car any time soon without a fully charged i-Pod.

So, let me continue on my Monday. At least this day didn’t start with an argument.


I wish I could think of something to write about

I wish I was brave enough to be nude

I wish my scars would fade away

I wish I could feel good about having sex

I wish intimacy would come into my life

I wish I could just fuck a girl

I wish I could feel better about fucking a boy

I wish I could just scream my heart out as I come and not care about embarrassment

I wish I could say no

I wish I could do more

I wish to fall in love with a beautiful person, girl or boy.

I wish I could eat the dinner my dad accidentally took with him to work

I wish…

I wish every day.

Musings Again

Just some random splashes of thought for you.

I’ve been feeling the love today, from none other than the Life on the Swingset boys, Cooper Beckett and Dylan Thomas! Shit, color me all kinds of flattered, because I am a huge fan of the show, and it often keeps me company during my late nights. So that they actually follow me on Twitter is another huge achievement in my sex blogging, erotica writing life. Cheers lads!

The rest of my life has not been as great, seeing as I’m coping with not only my health problems, but my mums as well. She tore her meniscus a few weeks back and the doctors have left it till now to treat her. She is in agony, poor her.

As for myself, I had a weird cough attack that left my throat quite scratchy. Also, I’m tired. I do not feel sexy whatsoever. In fact, I feel rubbish!

But I shall not bore you with trivialities about my health.

As for Red, I’m quite stuck after the two last chapters. I think I went overboard with the rimming. So, bear with me as I try to climb back onto the ship.

As The Mighty Boosh learned me, looking at kittens is calming. So, have kittens.

Kitteh haz a funneh.

Breaking up TMI

TMI Tuesday. Break-ups.

Considering I’ve never even had a real romantic relationship before (that I know of) I shall try to answer this in the best way I can and talk about friendships.  Because I’m bored and I don’t want to go to bed yet.

Play? Clicky linky.

Read? Scroll on.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

This week’s TMI Tuesday idea is from Heelsnstocking

1. What’s the worst reason you have been given for breaking up?

“I’m going through an existential crisis.”

The way this guy talked to me, I really think he should have ended his message with “and you look like Ursula the Seahag, but you’re quite nice.”

2. What’s the worst reason you gave, to someone, for breaking up?

I did once brush off an annoying MSN contact by saying I had a boyfriend, and yes, he would mind if we had cybersex.

Keep in mind, I was 12. Scary shit.

3. Have you ever engineered the end of a relationship e.g doing something you know will put the other person off? If yes, what did you do?

I have put another person off from starting a relationship with me. So I did the right thing and cried in his face.

4. Have you ever stayed with a partner just because you could not bear to end it?

Partners, no. Friends, yes. (If you’re wondering, I mean the friend mentioned in earlier posts).

5. Have you ever encouraged a friend to end a relationship? What happened? Are you still friends?

Not that I know of. I have had many a single friend but no-one in a relationship.

Bonus: Have you ever been the cause of a relationship to end? Tell us about it

INEVER! No, seriously, I haven’t a clue.



My apologies for my shit answers and inexperience in relationships. Next week will be better. Promise.