The Mission Statement Vol 3.

The last time I did this ish, I was new to the UK. I had a heart full of hopes and a head full of dreams. I still have them, but they need tweaking. Constant tweaking, readjusting and working towards… whatever it is I’m working towards.

This is the statement I made a few months ago, shortly after moving.

I am at my best when I`m happy, writing, in the company of friends, just wandering around town, learning, discovering…. .
I will try to prevent times when I come down from a huge high and feel that thud in my chest that tells me I should be unhappy. .
I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can work creatively, type so fast that my hands nearly fall off, make stuff happen with my hands.

I will find enjoyment in my personal life through hanging out with my friends, loving and drinking and kissing and hugging and dancing until I feel dizzy. Reading until I get so engrossed in the story, it becomes part of me…
I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as writing, poetry, creativity, listening, being a friend, laughing…
I can do anything I set my mind to. I will start my own small company..
My life’s journey is creativity in motion. I`m doing it for me, and for everyone who`s ever felt the way I felt when I started out my blog. I`m doing it because it`s a beautiful journey that I want to take. The results are a harder, better, faster, stronger me. .
I will be a person who My friends, my husband/wife, children, family… I would like them to say that I never stopped believing that I could do it. That I`m still a creative butterfly, with a wicked sense of humor. .
My most important future contribution to others will be is that I will strive for a better sexual education for my children and my children`s children. .

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

  • writing more, and finally getting started on my book.
  • taking charge and taking the steps that I want to take in life.
  • learning even more, absorbing knowledge like a sponge.

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

  • Willpower
  • Creativity
  • A daredevil attitude

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

  • Eat healthier and improve my fitness.
  • Practice my breathing and take up Tantra.
  • Read and write. Always read and write.
  • Surround myself with lovely, beautiful souls.

 

I think I’ve become more realistic? Correct me if I’m wrong. Or wait, actually, don’t correct me. Just read on…

 
~

I am at my best when I am in my creative zone. When I am with loved ones. When I am outside Getting Things Done.
I will try to prevent times when I’m inside, alone, doing nothing.
I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can I love to let myself freewheel over the keyboard and just let stuff pour out. I love when I come up with THAT idea, just the right one.
I will find enjoyment in my personal life through I love seeing friends. Being in the arms of my boyfriend. Living.
I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as writing, listening, creative thinking, talking.
I can do anything I set my mind to. I will travel the world.
My life’s journey is creativity in motion. I’m still doing it for me and for everyone who put their faith in me. I’m doing it because it needs to be done. And it will work out just fine.
I will be a person who looks back on her life with the greatest of smiles on her face. My husband, my family and my friends will be present. They will hopefully say that I’m still as wicked as ever.
My most important future contribution to others will be that I will strive to lead a happy life and will make sure my children will do so too. .

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

  • Learning, absorbing more knowledge.
  • Being with my friends.
  • Writing.

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

  • Willpower
  • Creativity
  • A kick-ass attitude

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

  • Eating healthier and take up a sport
  • Breathing.
  • Talking to a professional.
  • Surrounding myself with friends and lovely souls.

 

~

Gratitude List : We So Excited Edition

Time for a bit of positivity, me thinks! So, here’s another edition of the Gratitude List, this time in a neatly festive Friday Edition.  I’m also looking forward to a couple of things, so I’ve made a handy list of that.

 

~Little Things That Made Me Smile ~

~ Lying down on a square in The City ~ Navigating Canary Wharf ~ “Oh my fuck, how big is that building even?!” ~ Playing a game of “Where’s Torchwood” ~ Sudden bursts of passion and dirty words ~ The abundance of strawberry laces I ate this week~ Finding a beautiful dress that fits me in a charity shop for 7 pounds 50 ~ Knit! Purl! Knit! Purl! ~ Starbucks will take over the world ~ Everything is University Challenge and nothing hurts~

 

~ We So Excited About~

Explosions of passion ~ Dirty, dirty words ~ Long walks ~ Good food ~ Hugs and cuddles~

 

~ Picture pour toi ~

 

That Was The Week That Was

Well, I’ve officially resurfaced from a week that’s not been kind to me.

I can’t really describe what happened. I was trying to explain the other day, but came up with no answer other than “I was in a slump”. And dude, I was. I cried more than I had ever cried in my life, even in the worst moments of my depression. I contemplated topping myself, it was so bad.

It’s times like these when you really do cherish the beautiful moments. Not that I don’t cherish them otherwise, but I cherish them, like, a thousand percent more when the rest of the time is shit.

Getting away from it all helped, even if it was for only a few hours. Being in the most exquisite and beautiful of company definitely helped. And food. Lots of good food.

And now, I’m here, writing this post. I feel better about life in general, although still shaky. But I know what I want now. I don’t know where I’m going but I know what I want.

And if this blog seems to be straying from its original subject, I do apologize. But not really. This is a blog about my life and I put in there what I want. I’ve said so many times that I don’t feel that compelled to write about having sex or wanking at the moment. It will all come back in due time, but for now, this is a blog about taking back my life and getting on the rails again.

So, expect loads of mentions on crafts, self-confidence, getting back in gear and writing. And of course, comedy antics from yours truly. In some way. Maybe.

Slowly getting back to me.

And that’s a good feeling.

xoxo

Home Comforts And Empty Minds

In times of duress, you want to have a little piece of home with you. No matter where that home lies, or if it lies in two different places, you want something familiar to remind you that you are not alone in this world. For me, it’s a few things. A homemade CD someone special gave me. A picture of my mother from her wedding day. The big jar of Douwe Egberts Instant Coffee that stands reassuringly in the aisles of Tesco. Apple sauce. Tartare sauce. Songs that make you grin and think of that moment, no matter what that moment is. Silly things, really, but they remind me of comfort and open arms.

I’ve been clinging on to those things for dear life.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m in a dark place in my head and I can’t really find something that’ll take me back to lightly, brightly, sprightly me.

The natural answer would be crafts. For some reason, I’ve really taken to something that I was shite at growing up. I kid you not when I tell you that I actually made someone cry during collage making because I ruined a collage of her face.

(sidenote: kids can be wankers)

Yesterday, I hiked up to a church in the more rural bit of the city, to check out a crafts group. I had nothing with me to make, but I ended up having an excellent time. Smack on me all you like for being boring, but crafts really does bring people together. It creates a sense of community.

The ladies at the group were really kind and caring. Two of them immediately took it upon them to teach me how to knit, and one lovely lady even suggested she teach me dressmaking (once I master the knitting). There is something so soothing about knitting…. Can’t really put my finger on it.

By now, you’re probably throwing a massive hissy fit at me. “This is a sex blog!” you shout in frustration. “Where’s the hot and steamy sex? Where’s the wank marathons and naked pictures? WHY IS SHE GOING ON ABOUT HER KNITTING CIRCLE?!”

Ehm…

Because I quite like writing about other stuff too?

Rest assured, the hot and steamy sex and wank marathons are still happening. There will be naked pictures aplenty.

But there will be talk about other things too. Including my “knitting circle”.

I just realized that I have veered massively off-topic. Do forgive me.

But in a way I haven’t, because crafts are a sort of comfort too. It’s a new kind of comfort that I’ve been looking for.

This dark place in my head is fucking scary. It’s that moment where the mind goes completely blank and just plays you solemn guitar ballads the entire day. There is no sunshine in this chaos in your mind. It’s frustration. You want to learn, you want to soak up the world and you want to Get Shit Done, but all you can find the power for is lying in bed, listening to more guitar ballads.

I’m surprised I even managed to get up this morning. I retreated to bed at five PM last night and just stayed in my room eating rice cakes and crisps. This is not good. This is not how a Barenaked Lady behaves.

A Barenaked Lady shakes off the empty mind and Gets Her Shit Together. She musters up the courage to go pay the rent, put the little money she has to good use and come back from her day ready to write. A Barenaked Lady seeks solace in those h0me comforts, whilst at all times reminding herself that home is where the heart is and her heart is in many places at once. She knows that she is not alone and that she has wonderful friends in her life.

She finds her way home effortlessly, without moving a muscle. Because she is home in the heart and mind. Whatever that may mean.

Someone wise once told me that if you don’t know what to write about, write about not writing. Because at least you’re writing.

Sound advice, because it got me to write at least 700-odd words today.

 

xoxo

 

PS: I best go and get that jar of Douwe Egberts Instant. I’ve been craving coffee all morning now!

 

Planning Again

So.

Tomorrow, I’m expected at a big office, for a big company. Not for leisure, mind. I actually have a job interview. It has taken me two months to get to this point, and a further eight months to get anywhere near a life in the UK.

I think it’s time to plan.

I want to be positive and say that this job interview will go tickety-boo, and I’ll soon have a steady workplace. And, I am. I am going to inject tomorrow with positivity, because that’s who I am. I am the Barenaked Lady. I am a boundless vessel of positivity, waiting to burst.

I’m also scared, exited and empty and full at the same time.

Scared, because there are a lot of things coming up in my life that I need to carefully plan out. A job, fussy paperwork, stories, this blog, my sexpert/contributor articles, The Book…

But I can do it.

Excited because I’m finally in that place. That place where my head can switch off from years and years of accumulated bullshit and I can be me. It takes practice, and a hell of a lot of time.

And I’m okay with that.

Empty because I feel that there’s not a word about sex left in me. Even though I have so many things to write about, I don’t feel compelled to do so. I feel spent on words.

But it’s not a problem.

And full, because for the first time in my life, I can feel love. Passionate love, mad love, love for friends and family that will never ever die, even if I do. I breathe love. I am love.

And I love it.

So, what are the plans?

Ah. There’s the rub.

I need to start planning. Need to re-assess what I’m doing with my life and with this blog, even. The journey is at a cross-roads, I feel. Don’t read any subtext into this, mind. I’m not abandoning ship on this blog. Although I have to admit that it has crossed my mind.

I might take a little break soon. A tiny one. A breaklet. I keep saying that I want to take one, but I can’t tear myself away from here. This blog brings me so much joy that it’s hard to just let it take a breather for a bit.

Plans, plans, plans. I need to make them soon.

 

xoxo

 

The Regeneration of Jilly Boyd

As I walked away from the computer yesterday, my heart ached for no discernible reason. Tears trickled from my eyes and soon turned into full-on sobs. I knew what it was.

The past few weeks… Months even, have been trans-formative. And it came together neatly in a bout of uncontrolled sub drop. Call it any drop, even. It was just a full-on brick landing squarely on my chest.

I knew I wasn’t going to take this lying down. I knew I had to do something to take me back to Earth. So, with every inch of strength left in my body, I willed myself to get up, get dressed and go out.

I automatically veered in the direction of the shop cum play space where the munch had been held the night before. I felt a stinging pain between my shoulders. The 21-year-old millstone might have been lifted, but there was still something there, trying to escape. Like the last remnants of the old me were on their way out.

I was regenerating. I kept expecting to whimper “I don’t want to go” and then burst out in a million lights, like a Time Lord on the edge of life and death.

C was sitting outside, decidedly less evil than on Sunday. He was friendly, as usual, and offered me some shortbread as I told my story. He listened patiently and bestowed his sage words on my soul. I stayed a while, just reveling in the sunshine and in the new me emerging.

This is the time for change, growth and evo/revolution. Time to get rid of the bitter taste of past emotions and grow as an author, sexual being and most of all, grow as me.

It is time for me to regenerate.

Not that I’ll be changing into Matt Smith, mind.

I do like a fez though.

They’re cool.

A Love Letter To The Universe

~

Dear Universe,

Thank you for existing.

Thank you for the stars and the sky and the atoms that make up the oddity that is humanity.

Thank you for men

Thank you for women.

Thank you for every person in between.

Thank you for giving me the chances I needed.

For the flowers, the trees and the smell of baked croissants in the morning.

I truly love you, you strange entity.

Although I don’t quite understand you,

I love you for everything good.

Sex.

Love.

Kissing.

The smell of skin on skin.

Rain.

Apples.

Fingers.

Lips.

The view from my balcony.

Laughs.

Cries.

Every single tiny miracle.

Every breath of air.

I am thankful for life.

For space and existing.

For the little things that make my day that much better.

Thank you, Universe.

I love you so.

~

I Don’t Like Food

It’s a strong statement to start a post off with. But I’m going to do it anyway, because it’s been nagging on my brain.

I don’t like food.

Or at least, I don’t like it anymore. I realized it a few nights ago. Flatmate and his friends were off to the cinema, so I made myself comfortable. I wanted to make something lovely for me, to soothe the senses. Gathering the microwave rice and the jar of korma sauce, I realized I’d forgotten something crucial.

The chicken.

I had bloody forgotten chicken for my chicken korma. I ended up substituting it with slices of ham. Needless to say, it was disgusting. It was the single most depressing plate of food I had ever eaten. And still, I nearly finished it. Because I was fucking hungry.

Every bite made me gag.

As I sit here writing this post, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve only enjoyed one good meal this week. And that was after I came back from my volunteering job. I took myself out for a McDonalds and my god, did I ever love it.

It isn’t the healthy option. It isn’t the same as eating a fresh salad, or biting into a juicy, sweet apple. But my word, did I ever enjoy it. I feasted on spiced potato wedges and sour cream dip. Because it was what my body needed.

I am disgusted with how I’m treating my body.

And it has nothing to do with losing weight. Nothing to do with my fabulous curves or anything like that. No. It has everything to do with what I’m feeding myself.

Somewhere in my meshugge mind, the click was made that I would pay less on my weekly groceries if I bought ready meals for a week. Which is of course bullshit. Not only do they come out more expensive in the end, they taste like absolute shit too.

I can’t deal with ready meals anymore. I want to have the satisfaction of making my own mash, instead of twitching my thumbs, waiting for it to come out of the microwave. I want to craft a lovely peppercorn sauce that actually tastes like the peppercorn sauce I remember from home.

And most of all, I really want a steak.

It’s all that’s been on my mind. It doesn’t even have to be steak. I just want to make a huge rack of something and watch as it comes out of the oven, roasted to perfection.

And I truly hate myself for denying my body the pleasure of good and healthy food. I hate myself for spending my cash on books that I’m not sure I’ll even read. On clothes that don’t properly fit. On things that I don’t even need.

I want to enjoy food again. I want to learn how to eat veg and eat more fruit. I want to be a good cook!

I want. I want. I want.

I want to cut my Iceland Loyalty Card in tiny pieces and never set food in there again. Because I’ve had enough of ready meals. I’ve had enough of bumping against a rack of fucking John West tuna chunk. I’ve had enough of shit food!

Consider this my resignation.

I quit shit food.

Man alive, that felt good to get out.

 

 

Gratitude List ~ Monday Morning Edition

I thought I`d start the week out well with another gratitude list. I wanted to title it The Nolympics edition, seeing as we collectively saw out London 2012 last night (and I watched EVERY BLOODY SECOND OF IT). But instead, I went for spicing up one`s Monday morning. Because, really, that`s what we need. A smooth, non-grumpy Monday morning that makes people feel happy instead of GRRRRR.

So, here we go!

Today, I am grateful for/smiling because/completely loving ~

My best gal Elenya getting a story accepted for publishing! ~ How To Write A Dirty Story by Susie Bright ~ Happy Olympic memories ~ Hanging at the library, just cruising around, learning and discovering ~ Getting truly wonderful and lovely and inspirational emails from friends ~ Getting to know Essex better (she`s a fickle mistress, that) ~ My evolution ~ My revolution ~ Making MOAR cards ~ Peace and quiet ~ Come Dine repeats in the morning ~ Brian May`s jacket during the closing ceremony ~
And, of course, all my lovely friends. I <33333 you all.

 

Picture of the day

 

I`m loving these articles!

10 Radical Self Love Exercises To Boost Your Summer Loving (on Gala Darling dot Com) 

The Power Of Writing Your Heart Out (on Medicinal Marzipan with Mara Glatzel)

My Liberation

I slipped into the bath, letting the water coat my cold flesh. It felt magnificent. Like a watery comfort blanket. It was one of my down days.

I`d had a good day overall, but it suddenly all hit me at once.

I haven`t seen Mum in nearly two months. Dad is fluctuating on the scale of fine and terrible. I have a book proposal, waiting anxiously for more words. There are stories to write, but I`m not writing them.

I needed to relax.

The bath eased my aching muscles, and brought inspiration. It`s funny how you get your best ideas in unusual places. Half my ideas are conceived during dish washing, or baths or loo visits.

Thoughts flitted through my head. 21 and wanting to settle down. Wanting a life of my own, wanting to break free from the mold.

I should be out there. I should be dancing.

I should be living.

I could break free of all the dark thoughts in my head and start living.

And I am.

This is my liberation.

It`s my time. At last!

I am free of the bounds from years gone by and I am free to fly higher than the phoenix can.

I am the phoenix!

Watch me soar across the sky, clad in armor golden.

Just watch me world.

Just you fucking watch me.